9:09

i've been m.i.a. today.
my bad.


i hung out with boone.
briefly.
he scares me.
he asked which window was my bedroom window o_O
i'm gonna try and shake him.
i've got to come up with a plan.


facebook guy and i are making plans.
perhaps,
for another movie tonight.
i'm excited.
i won't let myself get too excited.
yet.
we need to have a conversation.
about his situation.
tonight is the night.
he text and said he should have kissed me.
*smiles*


brief texts with
5xs and army guy.
i think 5xs is about to get cut off.
for real.
i'm beyond annoyed.

11:34

blur.
my eyes gain focus on the wall.
*yawns*
damn.
my eyes get wide.
laying on my side,
i slowly glance back over my shoulder.
sure enough.
i look back at the wall,
and then back over.


army guy.
i wasn't drunk.
how did this happen?
i was drunk off loneliness?


facebook guy didn't come.
it got late.
i told him nevermind.
he text:


"that's cool. it's late.
i'd prolly end up wanting to
stay with u and kissing u wouldn't help it.
lol"


????
i hate texts like this.
i don't know what he wants.
for me to say come stay the night?
and that i want him to kiss me?
i'm not agreeing to that.
i send back:


"it's hard to say if that is
a good or a bad thing
considering i don't know your situation"


He says he can't wait to see me again
and explain.


army guy and i say good morning.
it feels good to cuddle.
i could like him.
i really could.
i don't want another baby though.
not now.
i'm lost in my thoughts
when he says
"do you go to church?"


fuck.
a conversation about religion?
at seven in the morning?
i'm not up for this.
i've noticed his facebook statuses have been Jesus-y lately.
i don't want to work through my religion issues
with a protestant on my back.
this won't work.
I say:


"yes"
i lied.
about church.
i'm going to hell.
i'm not opposed to church.
let me be clear.
i'm Catholic....
and i have my own issues with it.
I'm sorting through them.
i don't want charismatic influence.
especially not at seven in the morning.


we say our goodbyes.
he leaves.


call from my old-old thing.
the one who lives by my baby daddy.
the one with a girl and two kids.
we make plans.
to watch the Saints game.


boone texts.
asks if i want to chill for a minute.
i tell him i'm having company in a bout thirty.
he says he'll come chill for a sec.
that's the definition of
get in where you fit in.
this dude wants a thirty minute time slot.
smfh.

1:25

movie is over.
he's gone home.
a little bit of conversation.
i didn't ask about his situation.
he didn't cross any boundaries,
or try anything.
thankfully.


text from 5xs.
says he wants to come stay the night.
i think i'm gonna go to bed and ignore it.


no word from boone.
no word from the ex.

10:25

he's on his way.
*holds breath*
i'm nervous.
like we haven't met before.
true, in a way..
i'm not the person i was four years ago.
at all.
he doesn't know this person.
and, frankly...
i've never taken the time to get to know him.


i remember how i used to blow him off & stand him up.
back before i'd been hurt.
before i knew what it felt like.
how sad.
he liked me.
and i treated him like shit.
i wonder why he'd even given me a chance again?
*shakes head*
ok.
i need to get ready.

8:04

black
and
mild
my head spins.
i close my eyes.
prepare myself.
to give someone else a chance.

7:22

in the process of making plans.
with facebook guy.
i think we're gonna watch a movie.


at my house.


suppose now would be a good time to find my DVD player
and hook it up.

6:41

mr.gin texts.
says he's out & about.
what's up?


he would not be my first choice.
maybe i'll hang out with him..
if he agrees not to drink this time.