Top 5 Ways NOT To Handle a Break-Up

5. Stalking.

We get it. We've been together for a couple of years and you know the routine. This does not give you license to show up places where you know I'll be. You didn't play pool at the bar on Wednesdays the whole time we were together, but now your friends just insisted on coming here tonight? Not buying it.

4. Property Destruction.

Oh girl, trust me... I know. You sooo wanna see that stupid project car he spent every fucking Saturday of your relationship working on with it's windshield busted out, it's tires slashed, and SORRY BASTARD keyed into the hood. 28 inch rims don't look good on flat, do they bitch??? Still... not worth it. The legal repercussions are too much to consider this option. Nobody else could have done it, and one of his friends WILL lie and say they saw you do it. Don't.

3. Buying 'Em Back With Presents

Or worse... burning them a sappy cd of all the songs that remind you of them. There is nothing more pathetic than finding something on your windshield with an "I miss you" note. Don't buy gifts, don't offer to pay their bills, or give them an engagement ring. Save your money to buy your ass some dignity.

2. Private Calls

I never got a private call before we broke up, and now I get six per day. I wonder who it could be? It's not a bill collector heavy breathing in the phone at 2 am. Again, charges can be pressed... or she'll end up changing her number and then you can't even call her if you REALLY do need her. Move along.

1. Faking a Pregnancy.

Bitch, please. You had unprotected sex for two years without getting knocked up by this guy and three days after your break-up you "think you're pregnant" You are the reason women get a bad rap. Kill yourself.... before you have to make up another lie about having a miscarriage or and abortion.