12:04

reruns & twitter chatter. i need to find the remote.

cold sweet tea and my lips and tongue taste grape.

i search for my lighter, to bring inspiration.

i find my flame.

clouds of smoke

i can't sleep.

i'm not ready for the day to be over.

i'm waiting.

i want something exciting to happen.

i won't sleep until it does

i miss late night phone calls with #anon

11:51

#randomthought

him getting off while i'm on top makes me feel like i've won.

10:41

online msg from a guy i dated two years ago. it simply read, "pussy please". this guy has got to be kidding me. if i didn't give it to him two years ago, what makes him think he can get it now?? then he follows with a msg to check him out in the pic on his page where he has eight thousand in cash in his hand. what's he trying to imply? that he'll pay for it?? there isn't enough money in the world. *rolls eyes & deletes him from page*

9:45

i halfway broke rule #2... and by halfway, i mean... i at least didn't think of him. still. i think i'll text the other guy to take my mind off things.

6:07

i tried to look at you when you were talking to me, but i kept seeing right through you.

4:02

playlist made.

3:39

my thumb runs across the cool metal. it hisses and light flickers. deep breath in. deep breath out. smoke flows from my soul and i tilt my head back, eyes wide shut.


i text my current thing, and a few other random guys. replies bounce back. there is life out there. i need to be a part of it. something is telling me to get my ass out of the house. it's cold, but i wanna ride... listen to music. i need to make a cd. i need a fountain coke.


caffeine is calling. hot tea is not cutting it. that's what i'm telling myself. i know the real reason i wanna leave the house... i wanna hear music and nothing else. me. the road. new mixtape.

11:03

i shower and try to clear my head. i breath in the hot, wet steam of my shower, close my eyes and let the pulsing streams fall on my skin. my shower smells like peppermint shampoo and my head is dizzy with the thoughts i'm trying to drown. for a second my thoughts drift to memories of yesterday when he was here... the way he smelled, the way his skin felt, the way my body quaked and shivered.... wait. this is what i'm not supposed to be thinking about. i'm supposed to be over him. i haven't slept with him in two months. i was doing so good. now, i'm a mess. i swallow hard and wipe my face. i can't let this happen again. i can't get wrapped up in it. i'm addicted to him, and even one small dose, one deep inhale of his scent, one stroke from his fingers on my bare skin, one soft touch of his lips on my.... *snaps out of it*. i have to give myself rules. i must think about something else. anything else.




Rule #1 No listening to slow music. Slow music led to this melt down.


Rule #2 I will not touch myself while replaying the whole ordeal in my head, over and over. this proved difficult yesterday.


Rule #3 I will force myself to throw the curtains open, turn the lights on all over the house and avoid a dark, depressing environment.


Rule #4 I will NOT call him.




I step out of the shower and the cold air slaps me in the face... every drop of water left on my body feels like ice on my skin. a cold shock back into reality. i grab my towel and dry off. my day starts over now.