*My phone shivers and glows*
I'm lazy and nonchalant
about picking it up.
It's a text.
Probably from Army guy.
I check it.
My heart stops.
I read it again.
I almost wanna cry.
Happy Tears.
Tears of all of the
frustration
anger
and
heartache
that I've been thru.
It's the text I've waited three years on.
What does it say?
Surprisingly it says:
"Got really busy, I know I said
I was gonna come over tonight,
but I'm not going to make it.
I love you and I'm sorry."
It's THE EX.
And I don't care that he isn't coming.
I didn't expect him to...
but, I'm floored.
Instead of standing me up,
he actually sent a text...
and said he couldn't make it.
Y'all don't understand.
This is a break through.
This is all I've been wanting
for three years...
is for him to just pick up the phone
to just send a text
to just let me know
when his plans change,
when he's running late,
when he isn't going to be able to make it.
I've begged.
I've cried.
I've screamed.
I've nagged.
and finally,
FINALLY.
He shows consideration.
He thinks of me.
He's apologetic.
He's up front.
He's honest.
Obviously,
I realize that a man
that deserves me,
who is worthy of having me
love him the way I loved
THE EX,
wouldn't have to be asked even once to
do these things...
He wouldn't break plans.
He'd answer his phone.
He'd call if he was running late...
but it's just nice...
that maybe, he finally gets it.
Even if it's way too late.
Monday, December 14, 2009
9:08
Army guy.
*angry sigh*
He texts:
"So guess you don't like me anymore"
I don't respond.
He calls.
I hit ignore.
What happened to:
"not bothering me ever again"?
Full of shit.
Believing that
I could ignore him and he'd go away
was wishful thinking.
This is going to require more thought.
For now,
I'm gonna keep ignoring him
a little while longer....
and hopefully,
he'll give it up.
*angry sigh*
He texts:
"So guess you don't like me anymore"
I don't respond.
He calls.
I hit ignore.
What happened to:
"not bothering me ever again"?
Full of shit.
Believing that
I could ignore him and he'd go away
was wishful thinking.
This is going to require more thought.
For now,
I'm gonna keep ignoring him
a little while longer....
and hopefully,
he'll give it up.
7:26
When it comes to staying away from THE EX,
I'm a failure. =(
I don't even know how it happened.
I went from going to take a nap,
by myself
to
being captive in his arms for almost
24 hours.
It was amazing.
It was like old times.
The problem with that...
is that I'm three years older now.
I don't have time for
the things we used to do...
I'm too old to live my life that way.
Sometimes, it's just amazing..
to be with someone who knows you inside out.
where you can completely be yourself.
where no effort is required...
when you can just lay there...
and every breath you take,
is perfectly in sync.
where every move is perfectly orchestrated,
like a dance you've done a million times before...
when you reach for something before he ever asks for it
when you finish each other's sentences.
when making love has no awkward moments,
your bodies just melt into each other
and you know every inch, and exactly what to expect
and it's everything you dream of...
until the next morning.
when reality hits
and sober thoughts take over...
and you remember that it just can't be...
that on paper, it just doesn't work...
and so you hold each other tight one more time...
and go your separate ways again...
I'm a failure. =(
I don't even know how it happened.
I went from going to take a nap,
by myself
to
being captive in his arms for almost
24 hours.
It was amazing.
It was like old times.
The problem with that...
is that I'm three years older now.
I don't have time for
the things we used to do...
I'm too old to live my life that way.
Sometimes, it's just amazing..
to be with someone who knows you inside out.
where you can completely be yourself.
where no effort is required...
when you can just lay there...
and every breath you take,
is perfectly in sync.
where every move is perfectly orchestrated,
like a dance you've done a million times before...
when you reach for something before he ever asks for it
when you finish each other's sentences.
when making love has no awkward moments,
your bodies just melt into each other
and you know every inch, and exactly what to expect
and it's everything you dream of...
until the next morning.
when reality hits
and sober thoughts take over...
and you remember that it just can't be...
that on paper, it just doesn't work...
and so you hold each other tight one more time...
and go your separate ways again...
Sunday, December 13, 2009
4:16
People irritate the fuck outta me.
boone calls and asks
if it would be okay if he came over
and hung out in
about an hour.
Two hours later,
no word from him.
I call.
He doesn't answer.
What the fuck?
I don't even like this guy.
How do you get stood up by someone
who INVITED THEMSELVES over to your house?
I really couldn't give two shits
about seeing him.
The point is,
I'm a person of my word.
If I say I'm coming,
I am. I do.
AND I'm on time.
AND if I so happen to be running late,
I PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE AND
I CALL AND TELL THEM THAT!
I make my plans around
what I've agreed to do.
Someone else running late throws
MY ENTIRE DAY off schedule.
Dinner time.
Olivia's nap.
Bath time.
All out of whack if
I have to adjust my plans for a
selfish, inconsiderate piece of shit.
Grrrr.
He calls right back.
Says something came up
and that it'd be another hour.
I tell him I have plans
in an hour and that the plans we
made were for over an hour ago.
We'll have to do it another time.
*looks down*
I don't have plans.
I'm not going anywhere,
but I'll be damned
if he's gonna think
that I'm just available
and sitting here at his disposal.
Fuck his entire existence.
boone calls and asks
if it would be okay if he came over
and hung out in
about an hour.
Two hours later,
no word from him.
I call.
He doesn't answer.
What the fuck?
I don't even like this guy.
How do you get stood up by someone
who INVITED THEMSELVES over to your house?
I really couldn't give two shits
about seeing him.
The point is,
I'm a person of my word.
If I say I'm coming,
I am. I do.
AND I'm on time.
AND if I so happen to be running late,
I PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE AND
I CALL AND TELL THEM THAT!
I make my plans around
what I've agreed to do.
Someone else running late throws
MY ENTIRE DAY off schedule.
Dinner time.
Olivia's nap.
Bath time.
All out of whack if
I have to adjust my plans for a
selfish, inconsiderate piece of shit.
Grrrr.
He calls right back.
Says something came up
and that it'd be another hour.
I tell him I have plans
in an hour and that the plans we
made were for over an hour ago.
We'll have to do it another time.
*looks down*
I don't have plans.
I'm not going anywhere,
but I'll be damned
if he's gonna think
that I'm just available
and sitting here at his disposal.
Fuck his entire existence.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Immeasurable Distance Between Us
Someone shared this with me yesterday. It touched me. So often we feel like nobody understands what we're going through, and then we get proven wrong. I just felt like it was necessary for me to share this with all of you.
Once I could say
The immeasurable distance between is the only space that separates us
But now that space does separate us
A place you found to fill with all sorts of neurosis
Now displaces the immeasurable space meant for us
Until the space became an impassable divide
Then I began to wonder while you wandered
What tomorrow would bring
But not knowing the future
Or what is on your mind
Served to widen this space between us
Creating a crevice
Which became a divide too deep and too wide to fathom
While one disappeared
Each failed to realize
What is missing?
Till two people who were trying to make a life together are no more
The time spent building is no longer salvageable
All because each did not hold the key to close the divide
For how can you reach someone?
When they are too far away for your hands to touch
Or for your voice to reach
Now the person with whom you invested your life to build a life
Is no longer to be found
Shout all you want!
No one can hear you
Because the divide is too much for sound to travel
Till moment by moment
The impassible space that separates has become the foundation for a wasteland
Where all traces of humanity have been erased
As the transition moves
From out of touch to out of reach
What does the horizon hold?
We wait the answer
Counting the moments
Till time fades into the future
As we move forward in separate directions with separate lives
All we can do is watch as the immeasurable distance between us
Has become a distance too great to travel
Back to the other
Robert Neff
Please take the time to visit his site, and enjoy his writing and his art.
http://bit.ly/7SaPan
Thanks so much for allowing me to share this.
Follow him on Twitter @5wa
Once I could say
The immeasurable distance between is the only space that separates us
But now that space does separate us
A place you found to fill with all sorts of neurosis
Now displaces the immeasurable space meant for us
Until the space became an impassable divide
Then I began to wonder while you wandered
What tomorrow would bring
But not knowing the future
Or what is on your mind
Served to widen this space between us
Creating a crevice
Which became a divide too deep and too wide to fathom
While one disappeared
Each failed to realize
What is missing?
Till two people who were trying to make a life together are no more
The time spent building is no longer salvageable
All because each did not hold the key to close the divide
For how can you reach someone?
When they are too far away for your hands to touch
Or for your voice to reach
Now the person with whom you invested your life to build a life
Is no longer to be found
Shout all you want!
No one can hear you
Because the divide is too much for sound to travel
Till moment by moment
The impassible space that separates has become the foundation for a wasteland
Where all traces of humanity have been erased
As the transition moves
From out of touch to out of reach
What does the horizon hold?
We wait the answer
Counting the moments
Till time fades into the future
As we move forward in separate directions with separate lives
All we can do is watch as the immeasurable distance between us
Has become a distance too great to travel
Back to the other
Robert Neff
Please take the time to visit his site, and enjoy his writing and his art.
http://bit.ly/7SaPan
Thanks so much for allowing me to share this.
Follow him on Twitter @5wa
1:16
*phone rings*
It's the guy with the wrong number.
Again.
Says he wants to take me to lunch.
Weird.
I mean, we know several people in common.
It's not like he's a complete stranger.
I can't see agreeing to lunch
with someone I've never even met though.
I'm not a fan of blind dates.
I get a beep and tell him I'll call him back.
I'm off the phone now,
and just staring at my phone.
Do I call him back?
Do I take a risk and do this?
*sighs*
I don't think so.
I'm gonna wait and see if he calls back
if I don't call him back.
It's the guy with the wrong number.
Again.
Says he wants to take me to lunch.
Weird.
I mean, we know several people in common.
It's not like he's a complete stranger.
I can't see agreeing to lunch
with someone I've never even met though.
I'm not a fan of blind dates.
I get a beep and tell him I'll call him back.
I'm off the phone now,
and just staring at my phone.
Do I call him back?
Do I take a risk and do this?
*sighs*
I don't think so.
I'm gonna wait and see if he calls back
if I don't call him back.
Friday, December 11, 2009
8:32
What a difference a few days make.
Still wondering how you kick everyone out of your life,
and three days later they are all back full force.
Men don't take no for an answer very well.
I got flowers from 5xs,
and I might be a fool,
but I think I believe him.
I think THE EX just started a lot of mess.
I think he's jealous of what we have going on.
The more I think,
the more the things THE EX says,
just don't add up.
5xs and I have been having a lot of fun.
Staying up all night talking.
He makes me laugh and I miss that.
he drops everything when I give him
the opportunity to be here.
Things are moving slow with us,
but I think that's best for right now.
Army guy has lost his mind.
I told him not to come over.
I told him I didn't want to see him.
and yet,
He gets in his car and heads this way anyway?!?!
I told him to turn around and not to come.
He didn't like that very much.
Told me he needed to be with me,
That he really wanted to see me.
I still said no.
He said he'd never bother me again.
Fast Forward Two Days
I come home to a two page letter on my front door.
All about how he loves me,
and can't see himself with anyone else.
How he wants me to have his baby
and wants to get married.
I can't do anything but ignore him.
His not taking no for an answer,
is starting to worry me.
We'll see how this plays out.
I had a fun day with Mr. Gin.
Lunch at Wasabi
and a little shopping.
He bought me the cutest boots!
An early Christmas present.
I do like being spoiled,
but the chemistry isn't there...
and I've been honest about this with him.
That there isn't any possibility
of me wanting to be physical with him.
He says that it's fine,
that he just enjoys my company.
*shrugs*
I enjoy his too,
as long as he REALLY isn't expecting more
and doesn't try to flip the script on me later.
Phone call:
Him: Hey. What's up?
Me: Not much, just getting Olivia to bed.
Him: We should hang out soon.
Me: Sure. Whenever.
Him: I'm outside right now.
o_O
Well, come in.... I guess.
Yeah, you guessed it.
The same guy who wants to know
which window is my bedroom window.
I know I make him sound really creepy...
and he is, kinda.
He's a nice enough guy though.
I honestly don't feel in danger.
I just feel like I may need to be more
vocal about not seeing him like that.
He seems to think that we're on track
to start talking on a level that's
not just platonic.
Soooo not the case.
I've spent a lot of time with Olivia's Dad.
Things are good.
He continues to test his boundaries with me,
but we're in the process of developing boundaries.
I've remained firm.
We're becoming really good friends.
We talk about everything.
It's amazing how good of friends you can
become when you take sex off the table.
He's one of my best friends...
and that is going to be a phenomenal thing,
for Olivia.
And when it's all said and done
SHE is what my life is really about.
THE EX remains cut out.
I've taken to forwarding all his attempts
at contact to his new girl.
I broke up with him for a reason.
It's sad to see him do wrong by yet
another girl.
but it reminds me of why I'm done with him.
I know that he loved me as much as he is capable
of loving someone.
He tattooed my name on his arm for Christ's sake,
and he has yet to get it covered up.
I know he isn't over me,
but I have to do my part to STAY being over him.
After today, I don't intend on forwarding anymore texts
to his girl.
I just hope he'll leave me alone.
I thought maybe that doing that would
be a deterrent.
I guess jeopardizing his new relationship isn't
a concern for him.
What more can I do than just ignore him now?
The old, old ex has called and called.
He changed his myspace status to something salty,
directed at me....
He has a girl,
and I don't care how much he misses me,
I don't want to be a part of that mess.
I ran into him yesterday,
leaving from my BD's.
Things were awkward,
I expected him to be more
confrontational.
I escaped without being scolded
for not answering my phone...
or so I thought.
He called from a different number today.
Tricked into talking to him.
Lame.
He interrogated me about not answering my phone.
I just told him I wasn't interested in
keeping in contact and that I had to go.
Hopefully, he'll just drop it.
Still wondering how you kick everyone out of your life,
and three days later they are all back full force.
Men don't take no for an answer very well.
I got flowers from 5xs,
and I might be a fool,
but I think I believe him.
I think THE EX just started a lot of mess.
I think he's jealous of what we have going on.
The more I think,
the more the things THE EX says,
just don't add up.
5xs and I have been having a lot of fun.
Staying up all night talking.
He makes me laugh and I miss that.
he drops everything when I give him
the opportunity to be here.
Things are moving slow with us,
but I think that's best for right now.
Army guy has lost his mind.
I told him not to come over.
I told him I didn't want to see him.
and yet,
He gets in his car and heads this way anyway?!?!
I told him to turn around and not to come.
He didn't like that very much.
Told me he needed to be with me,
That he really wanted to see me.
I still said no.
He said he'd never bother me again.
Fast Forward Two Days
I come home to a two page letter on my front door.
All about how he loves me,
and can't see himself with anyone else.
How he wants me to have his baby
and wants to get married.
I can't do anything but ignore him.
His not taking no for an answer,
is starting to worry me.
We'll see how this plays out.
I had a fun day with Mr. Gin.
Lunch at Wasabi
and a little shopping.
He bought me the cutest boots!
An early Christmas present.
I do like being spoiled,
but the chemistry isn't there...
and I've been honest about this with him.
That there isn't any possibility
of me wanting to be physical with him.
He says that it's fine,
that he just enjoys my company.
*shrugs*
I enjoy his too,
as long as he REALLY isn't expecting more
and doesn't try to flip the script on me later.
Phone call:
Him: Hey. What's up?
Me: Not much, just getting Olivia to bed.
Him: We should hang out soon.
Me: Sure. Whenever.
Him: I'm outside right now.
o_O
Well, come in.... I guess.
Yeah, you guessed it.
The same guy who wants to know
which window is my bedroom window.
I know I make him sound really creepy...
and he is, kinda.
He's a nice enough guy though.
I honestly don't feel in danger.
I just feel like I may need to be more
vocal about not seeing him like that.
He seems to think that we're on track
to start talking on a level that's
not just platonic.
Soooo not the case.
I've spent a lot of time with Olivia's Dad.
Things are good.
He continues to test his boundaries with me,
but we're in the process of developing boundaries.
I've remained firm.
We're becoming really good friends.
We talk about everything.
It's amazing how good of friends you can
become when you take sex off the table.
He's one of my best friends...
and that is going to be a phenomenal thing,
for Olivia.
And when it's all said and done
SHE is what my life is really about.
THE EX remains cut out.
I've taken to forwarding all his attempts
at contact to his new girl.
I broke up with him for a reason.
It's sad to see him do wrong by yet
another girl.
but it reminds me of why I'm done with him.
I know that he loved me as much as he is capable
of loving someone.
He tattooed my name on his arm for Christ's sake,
and he has yet to get it covered up.
I know he isn't over me,
but I have to do my part to STAY being over him.
After today, I don't intend on forwarding anymore texts
to his girl.
I just hope he'll leave me alone.
I thought maybe that doing that would
be a deterrent.
I guess jeopardizing his new relationship isn't
a concern for him.
What more can I do than just ignore him now?
The old, old ex has called and called.
He changed his myspace status to something salty,
directed at me....
He has a girl,
and I don't care how much he misses me,
I don't want to be a part of that mess.
I ran into him yesterday,
leaving from my BD's.
Things were awkward,
I expected him to be more
confrontational.
I escaped without being scolded
for not answering my phone...
or so I thought.
He called from a different number today.
Tricked into talking to him.
Lame.
He interrogated me about not answering my phone.
I just told him I wasn't interested in
keeping in contact and that I had to go.
Hopefully, he'll just drop it.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
10:40
I've been quiet.
There isn't much to report.
I pretty much cut
everyone out.
None of them were right.
I'm starting from scratch.
Beginning to think
that nobody shares my interests
that nobody wants to be in love
that nobody will ever
meet my expectations
or make me smile
or compliment me
I need a change of scenery.
I don't think this is the place for me.
My family would throw a fit if I left.
Mostly because of Olivia...
*sighs*
I wanna scream.
punch something.
I feel stir crazy.
The cold weather isn't helping.
I need to get out of the damn house.
do something.
Dating as a single mother is
virtually impossible.
I think the complexity comes in
because I've never been one of those
mothers who could just drop her kid off
and go out to the bar.
or anywhere for that matter...
What if she wakes up?
and wants me?
and I'm not there?
I'm miserable when I go out...
thinking about her at home.
but the feeling of being a prisoner
in my own home from
8pm to 8am while she sleeps
is suffocating me.
Going out is a catch 22.
apparently, the ways
I've been meeting men aren't working.
I don't know where else to look.
I guess they say as soon as you
stop looking it comes to you.
I'm impatient.
I'm ready for the next phase of my life.
I just want a partner to do it with.
I'm ready to get started NOW.
I suppose I could do it on my own.
I've got the house.
I've got the kid.
I've got the cars.
I just want to build a life together...
with someone....
and I'm tired of waiting on him.
There isn't much to report.
I pretty much cut
everyone out.
None of them were right.
I'm starting from scratch.
Beginning to think
that nobody shares my interests
that nobody wants to be in love
that nobody will ever
meet my expectations
or make me smile
or compliment me
I need a change of scenery.
I don't think this is the place for me.
My family would throw a fit if I left.
Mostly because of Olivia...
*sighs*
I wanna scream.
punch something.
I feel stir crazy.
The cold weather isn't helping.
I need to get out of the damn house.
do something.
Dating as a single mother is
virtually impossible.
I think the complexity comes in
because I've never been one of those
mothers who could just drop her kid off
and go out to the bar.
or anywhere for that matter...
What if she wakes up?
and wants me?
and I'm not there?
I'm miserable when I go out...
thinking about her at home.
but the feeling of being a prisoner
in my own home from
8pm to 8am while she sleeps
is suffocating me.
Going out is a catch 22.
apparently, the ways
I've been meeting men aren't working.
I don't know where else to look.
I guess they say as soon as you
stop looking it comes to you.
I'm impatient.
I'm ready for the next phase of my life.
I just want a partner to do it with.
I'm ready to get started NOW.
I suppose I could do it on my own.
I've got the house.
I've got the kid.
I've got the cars.
I just want to build a life together...
with someone....
and I'm tired of waiting on him.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
11:03
my ex attempted to make plans again today
the minute i thought he wasn't gonna show,
i canceled.
i still feel stood up.
we argued on the phone
ended up laughing.
i know i'll see him again
soon.
i just don't know
how soon.
text argument with 5xs
over the things that were said
he denies it all.
he calls and begs for me to talk to him
he texts and says
please pick up
talk to me babe
i stop responding.
texts from army guy.
he's getting on my nerves.
i'm pushing him away
because...
there's just too much pressure.
i don't want a baby.
i don't want a baby.
i don't want a baby.
how many times do i need to say it?
sweet late night texts
from facebook guy.
i know, i thought it was gonna be over.
it should be.
he's taken.
same ole, same ole.
"we fight all the time.
we're never happy.
i don't want to be
the bad guy and have
her friends and family hate me"
to be continued....
new guy.
he's a triplet.
o_O
this could get confusing.
did i mention 5xs is a twin?
do i have a thing for multiples?
=/
the minute i thought he wasn't gonna show,
i canceled.
i still feel stood up.
we argued on the phone
ended up laughing.
i know i'll see him again
soon.
i just don't know
how soon.
text argument with 5xs
over the things that were said
he denies it all.
he calls and begs for me to talk to him
he texts and says
please pick up
talk to me babe
i stop responding.
texts from army guy.
he's getting on my nerves.
i'm pushing him away
because...
there's just too much pressure.
i don't want a baby.
i don't want a baby.
i don't want a baby.
how many times do i need to say it?
sweet late night texts
from facebook guy.
i know, i thought it was gonna be over.
it should be.
he's taken.
same ole, same ole.
"we fight all the time.
we're never happy.
i don't want to be
the bad guy and have
her friends and family hate me"
to be continued....
new guy.
he's a triplet.
o_O
this could get confusing.
did i mention 5xs is a twin?
do i have a thing for multiples?
=/
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
4:38
hung out.
with THE EX.
good times.
no sex.
i don't feel like
as much of a mess this time.
apparently 5xs
has been running his mouth.
in the same circles that
THE EX runs in.
i dare him to text me.
how immature.
you'd really think
that we'd be past that shit.
at this age.
apparently not.
that's cool.
he's been cut off
and that,
my dear,
is more than enough punishment.
trust me.
dear 5xs,
what will you brag about now?
if it was so good...
maybe you shoulda kept your mouth shut.
now mine is.
baby daddy called.
asked me to pay his water bill.
i hung up on him.
bitch, please.
with THE EX.
good times.
no sex.
i don't feel like
as much of a mess this time.
apparently 5xs
has been running his mouth.
in the same circles that
THE EX runs in.
i dare him to text me.
how immature.
you'd really think
that we'd be past that shit.
at this age.
apparently not.
that's cool.
he's been cut off
and that,
my dear,
is more than enough punishment.
trust me.
dear 5xs,
what will you brag about now?
if it was so good...
maybe you shoulda kept your mouth shut.
now mine is.
baby daddy called.
asked me to pay his water bill.
i hung up on him.
bitch, please.
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