Late night call from
my baby daddy.
wants me to come pick him up.
at 11:00pm.
Ummmmm,
HELLO!
our daughter is in bed.
AND it's COLD.
absolutely not.
Early morning text from
THE EX.
He wants to hang out today.
What's with him lately?
He must be fussing with his new girl.
I try to pin him down to a certain time.
He stops responding.
oh....wait.
he's calling.
says he's gonna drop
something off.
handle some business,
and be on his way.
here.
*sighs*
Well,
I know one thing for sure.
He ain't gettin' no ass.
Monday, November 30, 2009
6:00
Texts back and forth.
with THE EX.
Says i agreed to go to a concert with him.
out of town.
that i should "keep my word".
I won't be guilted into this.
How lame.
I tell him to take his new girl.
He says it wouldn't be right without me.
he'd rather just not go.
I say,
Then don't.
no more texts.
5xs texts.
asks me something random.
i text back.
i'm short.
i called things off.
why is he still texting?
men always want what they can't have.
he texts again.
"whats up mami? tell me something good"
i don't reply.
with THE EX.
Says i agreed to go to a concert with him.
out of town.
that i should "keep my word".
I won't be guilted into this.
How lame.
I tell him to take his new girl.
He says it wouldn't be right without me.
he'd rather just not go.
I say,
Then don't.
no more texts.
5xs texts.
asks me something random.
i text back.
i'm short.
i called things off.
why is he still texting?
men always want what they can't have.
he texts again.
"whats up mami? tell me something good"
i don't reply.
11:14
oops.
facebook guy.
i almost forgot.
I gave him the
"we're in different places
we want different things,
let's just be friends"
It's all true.
I suppose,
it could've sounded like this:
"you're young.
I'm grown,
but I like you...
maybe for my little sister..
who still has time for the games"
*shrugs*
nice guy...
maybe if i'm still single in 5 years.
facebook guy.
i almost forgot.
I gave him the
"we're in different places
we want different things,
let's just be friends"
It's all true.
I suppose,
it could've sounded like this:
"you're young.
I'm grown,
but I like you...
maybe for my little sister..
who still has time for the games"
*shrugs*
nice guy...
maybe if i'm still single in 5 years.
10:58
we'll play catch-up.
briefly.
I've spent a lot of time with
my baby daddy.
watching movies.
playng football with Olivia.
cooking.
cuddling.
spending the night.
no sex.
sometimes,
I guess...
it's just nice to play house...
and wish things could have worked.
They didn't.
They still don't.
I told 5xs things are over.
He just isn't doing it for me.
Some say I like to rush into things.
I say I know what I want.
and what I don't.
I like a man who is
ready to make a decision.
ready to act on impulse.
dives in head first.
knows what he wants.
5xs is none of these things...
or maybe...
he's just not that into me.
i've ignored calls an texts from
boone
and
the old-old thing.
cut short.
Like I said,
i know what I DON"T want.
Army guy got back in town last night.
He wanted to come over.
I told him no.
I know he wants to have the baby talk again.
I don't want a baby.
How many times do I have to say this??
The pressure to kick him to the curb
is mounting.
My Ex called:
"How good is your memory"
Me:
"damn good"
Him:
"Meet me at our spot at one o'clock"
*click*
*sighs*
I won't be going.
A. I didn't know we had a spot.
I wouldn't even know where to go.
B. So, he just assumes I'm free and will jump to it?
No thanks.
C. I can't see him and let him make a mess of me like last time.
briefly.
I've spent a lot of time with
my baby daddy.
watching movies.
playng football with Olivia.
cooking.
cuddling.
spending the night.
no sex.
sometimes,
I guess...
it's just nice to play house...
and wish things could have worked.
They didn't.
They still don't.
I told 5xs things are over.
He just isn't doing it for me.
Some say I like to rush into things.
I say I know what I want.
and what I don't.
I like a man who is
ready to make a decision.
ready to act on impulse.
dives in head first.
knows what he wants.
5xs is none of these things...
or maybe...
he's just not that into me.
i've ignored calls an texts from
boone
and
the old-old thing.
cut short.
Like I said,
i know what I DON"T want.
Army guy got back in town last night.
He wanted to come over.
I told him no.
I know he wants to have the baby talk again.
I don't want a baby.
How many times do I have to say this??
The pressure to kick him to the curb
is mounting.
My Ex called:
"How good is your memory"
Me:
"damn good"
Him:
"Meet me at our spot at one o'clock"
*click*
*sighs*
I won't be going.
A. I didn't know we had a spot.
I wouldn't even know where to go.
B. So, he just assumes I'm free and will jump to it?
No thanks.
C. I can't see him and let him make a mess of me like last time.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
6:59
i'm awake.
barely.
i didn't sleep well.
i was expecting a call,
so i had to leave my phone on.
the old-old thing called,
a million times.
i pretended to be asleep.
it woke me up.
every. single. time.
after awhile,
it made me furious.
i have a hatred towards him now.
i'm really angry.
don't fuck with my sleep.
i think he's on permanent ignore.
*yawns*
i wish i could go back to bed.
i have things to do.
barely.
i didn't sleep well.
i was expecting a call,
so i had to leave my phone on.
the old-old thing called,
a million times.
i pretended to be asleep.
it woke me up.
every. single. time.
after awhile,
it made me furious.
i have a hatred towards him now.
i'm really angry.
don't fuck with my sleep.
i think he's on permanent ignore.
*yawns*
i wish i could go back to bed.
i have things to do.
Monday, November 23, 2009
9:58
oh shit.
i talked him up.
the old-old thing just called.
i WILL not become his thing on the side.
his girl goes to work at 9pm.
he pretty much called as soon
as she left.
I can't do it.
*hits ignore*
i talked him up.
the old-old thing just called.
i WILL not become his thing on the side.
his girl goes to work at 9pm.
he pretty much called as soon
as she left.
I can't do it.
*hits ignore*
9:41
been busy. ;)
hung out with my old-old thing.
"oh, that was your man?
i thought i recognized him"
oops.
i don't want it to happen again.
as soon as he left,
i told myself i was cutting it off.
an hour later...
he text.
"can't stop thinking about you
it was so good to see you
can't wait to see each other again"
i didn't respond.
text from 5xs.
"hey beautiful stranger.
you must be mad at me."
I reply
"Why would I be mad?"
He says
"I haven't heard from you in three days"
guess he was counting.
I reply
"well then you must be mad too,
cuz i ain't heard from you either"
*silence*
My Twitter boo makes me smile.
A lot.
shhh... it's a secret.
a few texts back and forth with facebook guy.
about serious things.
how he feels about marriage.
and kids.
and the future.
now, that's potential.
*sighs*
i still don't know his situation.
random text from boyfriend #2
apparently he wants to
"eat my pussy with a spork" =/
a call from boone.
i dismiss it.
o_O
after a brief conversation last night,
i was inspired to hit up another old thing,
"Big O"
via facebook.
i *might* be making plans to go to Chicago...
once football season is over ;)
hung out with my old-old thing.
"oh, that was your man?
i thought i recognized him"
oops.
i don't want it to happen again.
as soon as he left,
i told myself i was cutting it off.
an hour later...
he text.
"can't stop thinking about you
it was so good to see you
can't wait to see each other again"
i didn't respond.
text from 5xs.
"hey beautiful stranger.
you must be mad at me."
I reply
"Why would I be mad?"
He says
"I haven't heard from you in three days"
guess he was counting.
I reply
"well then you must be mad too,
cuz i ain't heard from you either"
*silence*
My Twitter boo makes me smile.
A lot.
shhh... it's a secret.
a few texts back and forth with facebook guy.
about serious things.
how he feels about marriage.
and kids.
and the future.
now, that's potential.
*sighs*
i still don't know his situation.
random text from boyfriend #2
apparently he wants to
"eat my pussy with a spork" =/
a call from boone.
i dismiss it.
o_O
after a brief conversation last night,
i was inspired to hit up another old thing,
"Big O"
via facebook.
i *might* be making plans to go to Chicago...
once football season is over ;)
Saturday, November 21, 2009
9:09
i've been m.i.a. today.
my bad.
i hung out with boone.
briefly.
he scares me.
he asked which window was my bedroom window o_O
i'm gonna try and shake him.
i've got to come up with a plan.
facebook guy and i are making plans.
perhaps,
for another movie tonight.
i'm excited.
i won't let myself get too excited.
yet.
we need to have a conversation.
about his situation.
tonight is the night.
he text and said he should have kissed me.
*smiles*
brief texts with
5xs and army guy.
i think 5xs is about to get cut off.
for real.
i'm beyond annoyed.
my bad.
i hung out with boone.
briefly.
he scares me.
he asked which window was my bedroom window o_O
i'm gonna try and shake him.
i've got to come up with a plan.
facebook guy and i are making plans.
perhaps,
for another movie tonight.
i'm excited.
i won't let myself get too excited.
yet.
we need to have a conversation.
about his situation.
tonight is the night.
he text and said he should have kissed me.
*smiles*
brief texts with
5xs and army guy.
i think 5xs is about to get cut off.
for real.
i'm beyond annoyed.
11:34
blur.
my eyes gain focus on the wall.
*yawns*
damn.
my eyes get wide.
laying on my side,
i slowly glance back over my shoulder.
sure enough.
i look back at the wall,
and then back over.
army guy.
i wasn't drunk.
how did this happen?
i was drunk off loneliness?
facebook guy didn't come.
it got late.
i told him nevermind.
he text:
"that's cool. it's late.
i'd prolly end up wanting to
stay with u and kissing u wouldn't help it.
lol"
????
i hate texts like this.
i don't know what he wants.
for me to say come stay the night?
and that i want him to kiss me?
i'm not agreeing to that.
i send back:
"it's hard to say if that is
a good or a bad thing
considering i don't know your situation"
He says he can't wait to see me again
and explain.
army guy and i say good morning.
it feels good to cuddle.
i could like him.
i really could.
i don't want another baby though.
not now.
i'm lost in my thoughts
when he says
"do you go to church?"
fuck.
a conversation about religion?
at seven in the morning?
i'm not up for this.
i've noticed his facebook statuses have been Jesus-y lately.
i don't want to work through my religion issues
with a protestant on my back.
this won't work.
I say:
"yes"
i lied.
about church.
i'm going to hell.
i'm not opposed to church.
let me be clear.
i'm Catholic....
and i have my own issues with it.
I'm sorting through them.
i don't want charismatic influence.
especially not at seven in the morning.
we say our goodbyes.
he leaves.
call from my old-old thing.
the one who lives by my baby daddy.
the one with a girl and two kids.
we make plans.
to watch the Saints game.
boone texts.
asks if i want to chill for a minute.
i tell him i'm having company in a bout thirty.
he says he'll come chill for a sec.
that's the definition of
get in where you fit in.
this dude wants a thirty minute time slot.
smfh.
my eyes gain focus on the wall.
*yawns*
damn.
my eyes get wide.
laying on my side,
i slowly glance back over my shoulder.
sure enough.
i look back at the wall,
and then back over.
army guy.
i wasn't drunk.
how did this happen?
i was drunk off loneliness?
facebook guy didn't come.
it got late.
i told him nevermind.
he text:
"that's cool. it's late.
i'd prolly end up wanting to
stay with u and kissing u wouldn't help it.
lol"
????
i hate texts like this.
i don't know what he wants.
for me to say come stay the night?
and that i want him to kiss me?
i'm not agreeing to that.
i send back:
"it's hard to say if that is
a good or a bad thing
considering i don't know your situation"
He says he can't wait to see me again
and explain.
army guy and i say good morning.
it feels good to cuddle.
i could like him.
i really could.
i don't want another baby though.
not now.
i'm lost in my thoughts
when he says
"do you go to church?"
fuck.
a conversation about religion?
at seven in the morning?
i'm not up for this.
i've noticed his facebook statuses have been Jesus-y lately.
i don't want to work through my religion issues
with a protestant on my back.
this won't work.
I say:
"yes"
i lied.
about church.
i'm going to hell.
i'm not opposed to church.
let me be clear.
i'm Catholic....
and i have my own issues with it.
I'm sorting through them.
i don't want charismatic influence.
especially not at seven in the morning.
we say our goodbyes.
he leaves.
call from my old-old thing.
the one who lives by my baby daddy.
the one with a girl and two kids.
we make plans.
to watch the Saints game.
boone texts.
asks if i want to chill for a minute.
i tell him i'm having company in a bout thirty.
he says he'll come chill for a sec.
that's the definition of
get in where you fit in.
this dude wants a thirty minute time slot.
smfh.
1:25
movie is over.
he's gone home.
a little bit of conversation.
i didn't ask about his situation.
he didn't cross any boundaries,
or try anything.
thankfully.
text from 5xs.
says he wants to come stay the night.
i think i'm gonna go to bed and ignore it.
no word from boone.
no word from the ex.
he's gone home.
a little bit of conversation.
i didn't ask about his situation.
he didn't cross any boundaries,
or try anything.
thankfully.
text from 5xs.
says he wants to come stay the night.
i think i'm gonna go to bed and ignore it.
no word from boone.
no word from the ex.
Friday, November 20, 2009
10:25
he's on his way.
*holds breath*
i'm nervous.
like we haven't met before.
true, in a way..
i'm not the person i was four years ago.
at all.
he doesn't know this person.
and, frankly...
i've never taken the time to get to know him.
i remember how i used to blow him off & stand him up.
back before i'd been hurt.
before i knew what it felt like.
how sad.
he liked me.
and i treated him like shit.
i wonder why he'd even given me a chance again?
*shakes head*
ok.
i need to get ready.
*holds breath*
i'm nervous.
like we haven't met before.
true, in a way..
i'm not the person i was four years ago.
at all.
he doesn't know this person.
and, frankly...
i've never taken the time to get to know him.
i remember how i used to blow him off & stand him up.
back before i'd been hurt.
before i knew what it felt like.
how sad.
he liked me.
and i treated him like shit.
i wonder why he'd even given me a chance again?
*shakes head*
ok.
i need to get ready.
7:22
in the process of making plans.
with facebook guy.
i think we're gonna watch a movie.
at my house.
suppose now would be a good time to find my DVD player
and hook it up.
with facebook guy.
i think we're gonna watch a movie.
at my house.
suppose now would be a good time to find my DVD player
and hook it up.
6:41
mr.gin texts.
says he's out & about.
what's up?
he would not be my first choice.
maybe i'll hang out with him..
if he agrees not to drink this time.
says he's out & about.
what's up?
he would not be my first choice.
maybe i'll hang out with him..
if he agrees not to drink this time.
6:26
guy from facebook hits me back.
says his current status is complicated
am i the only one who thinks this status should just say,
we fight all the damn time.
break-up and get back together.
he asks for my number.
i give it to him.
i'll hear him out on the complications.
*sighs*
says his current status is complicated
am i the only one who thinks this status should just say,
we fight all the damn time.
break-up and get back together.
he asks for my number.
i give it to him.
i'll hear him out on the complications.
*sighs*
6:08
another text from 5xs.
this time, i respond.
*waits*
phone call from boone.
asks what i'm doing.
i attempt to sound busy.
he takes the bait,
but says he'll call back later.
this time, i respond.
*waits*
phone call from boone.
asks what i'm doing.
i attempt to sound busy.
he takes the bait,
but says he'll call back later.
4:28
i'm bored.
i scroll thru my phone.
my mind doesn't see names.
i don't even think that's his number anymore.
he's at work.
he lives far away.
i've ignored too many of his calls to call him now.
he's always bull shittin.
he's friends with my ex.
he just wants sex.
we don't get down like that.
i'm still waiting on him to call me back.
i WILL NOT call him.
my ex.
my bd.
my friend's man.
i'm not THAT desperate yet.
despite my calls yesterday
there is nobody in my phone i wanna hang out with.
i'm not comfortable with anyone
like i am with my ex.
god.
this is fucking hard.
i need something to do.
i wish my girls weren't so damn busy.
i scroll thru my phone.
my mind doesn't see names.
i don't even think that's his number anymore.
he's at work.
he lives far away.
i've ignored too many of his calls to call him now.
he's always bull shittin.
he's friends with my ex.
he just wants sex.
we don't get down like that.
i'm still waiting on him to call me back.
i WILL NOT call him.
my ex.
my bd.
my friend's man.
i'm not THAT desperate yet.
despite my calls yesterday
there is nobody in my phone i wanna hang out with.
i'm not comfortable with anyone
like i am with my ex.
god.
this is fucking hard.
i need something to do.
i wish my girls weren't so damn busy.
4:06
boone calls.
i answer.
he wants to come hang out.
i say yes.
reluctantly.
still ignoring the text from current guy.
he needs a better name.
oh.
i forgot we were calling him 5xs.
originally.
5xs it is.
regardless, i'm still ignoring his text.
text from a guy friend.
i think i'd rather hang with him.
damn,
this is why you don't talk to a guy
who can see your front door from his backyard.
lame.
i answer.
he wants to come hang out.
i say yes.
reluctantly.
still ignoring the text from current guy.
he needs a better name.
oh.
i forgot we were calling him 5xs.
originally.
5xs it is.
regardless, i'm still ignoring his text.
text from a guy friend.
i think i'd rather hang with him.
damn,
this is why you don't talk to a guy
who can see your front door from his backyard.
lame.
2:43
he text me.
tellin me i'm crazy,
but he loves me anyway.
fuck him.
i forward it to his new girl.
she doesn't wanna believe it.
we argue.
i cut it short.
i call him.
tell him not to text,
or else i'll forward it to her.
boone calls.
i don't answer.
not feelin it.
it's raining.
and cold.
isn't it funny,
how the weather always seems to mock your mood?
tellin me i'm crazy,
but he loves me anyway.
fuck him.
i forward it to his new girl.
she doesn't wanna believe it.
we argue.
i cut it short.
i call him.
tell him not to text,
or else i'll forward it to her.
boone calls.
i don't answer.
not feelin it.
it's raining.
and cold.
isn't it funny,
how the weather always seems to mock your mood?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
12:06
out of the shower.
indian style on my bed.
fan on high.
keeping myself warm with the hair dryer.
for the same reason that
i drive with the heat on and the windows down in the winter.
i spent over an hour on the phone with boyfriend #2
he gives good advice.
he's a mess himself though.
text from army guy.
just another what's up.
this has been going on for days.
this conversation is going nowhere.
current thing didn't come last night.
text me good morning.
i'm ignoring it.
about to make a trip to the grocery store.
ride.
listen to music.
coke.
the usual.
indian style on my bed.
fan on high.
keeping myself warm with the hair dryer.
for the same reason that
i drive with the heat on and the windows down in the winter.
i spent over an hour on the phone with boyfriend #2
he gives good advice.
he's a mess himself though.
text from army guy.
just another what's up.
this has been going on for days.
this conversation is going nowhere.
current thing didn't come last night.
text me good morning.
i'm ignoring it.
about to make a trip to the grocery store.
ride.
listen to music.
coke.
the usual.
10:20
phone call from the current thing.
he's "probably" coming over.
i should tell him fuck him and his probably.
but... i want the company.
i won't be a super bitch...
this time.
he's "probably" coming over.
i should tell him fuck him and his probably.
but... i want the company.
i won't be a super bitch...
this time.
10:01
ugly texts back and forth between me and his girl.
she started it. *points like a five year old*
i'm irritated.
i'm viscious.
i'm hateful.
and slightly tacky.
towards the end of the textin,
it hits me.
he's not my problem anymore.
thank her for reminding me of all that i went through.
of how much pain he caused me.
of how many girls called my phone.
or messaged me on myspace.
or some other bullshit.
it hurts, to know he has someone new.
but it's closure.
and i can walk away this time.
he's not my man.
and there's no reason to be jealous...
cuz he just fucked me. ;)
she started it. *points like a five year old*
i'm irritated.
i'm viscious.
i'm hateful.
and slightly tacky.
towards the end of the textin,
it hits me.
he's not my problem anymore.
thank her for reminding me of all that i went through.
of how much pain he caused me.
of how many girls called my phone.
or messaged me on myspace.
or some other bullshit.
it hurts, to know he has someone new.
but it's closure.
and i can walk away this time.
he's not my man.
and there's no reason to be jealous...
cuz he just fucked me. ;)
9:05
Ughh.
i've been busy.
i hung out with my ex from two years ago.
crazy mike.
i call him that, cuz, well... he was crazy.
and an alcoholic.
he seemed good.
he's super cute.
i like his family.
he's from new orleans.
he has a girl.
they have kids.
two.
=/
we can still be friends.
right?
i tell myself this.
i know he wants more.
i hung out with the guy from the next street.
boone.
what kind of a name is boone?
i don't like him.
he bores me.
he would never, ever be able to make me laugh.
i'm sure of this.
next!
still waiting on current thing to confirm plans.
he's irritating me.
grrr.
i've been busy.
i hung out with my ex from two years ago.
crazy mike.
i call him that, cuz, well... he was crazy.
and an alcoholic.
he seemed good.
he's super cute.
i like his family.
he's from new orleans.
he has a girl.
they have kids.
two.
=/
we can still be friends.
right?
i tell myself this.
i know he wants more.
i hung out with the guy from the next street.
boone.
what kind of a name is boone?
i don't like him.
he bores me.
he would never, ever be able to make me laugh.
i'm sure of this.
next!
still waiting on current thing to confirm plans.
he's irritating me.
grrr.
4:08
i'm playing with fire.
i've stirred up old flames.
i've created new ones.
there's a guy who lives the next street over.
we've been avoiding getting to know each other.
i know he sees me, he knows i see him.
this game has been going on for months.
i've had my eye on him.
on the way to sonic, i chunked him the deuce.
on the way back, he flagged me down.
he asked for my number.
i gave him my number.
he goes by boone.
i think he lives with his girl.
he says no.
i call an ex from way back.
i bumped into him a few weeks ago.
he lives by my baby daddy.
he gave me his number.
today, i called.
he wants to come over in a little while.
this should take my mind off things.
text replies are slow from my current thing.
he seems interested in coming over tonight.
we'll see what happens....
i touch base with boyfriend #2 from last year.
he seems glad to hear from me.
says he needs to come see my new place.
i say he should.
this should keep me busy for awhile.
i've stirred up old flames.
i've created new ones.
there's a guy who lives the next street over.
we've been avoiding getting to know each other.
i know he sees me, he knows i see him.
this game has been going on for months.
i've had my eye on him.
on the way to sonic, i chunked him the deuce.
on the way back, he flagged me down.
he asked for my number.
i gave him my number.
he goes by boone.
i think he lives with his girl.
he says no.
i call an ex from way back.
i bumped into him a few weeks ago.
he lives by my baby daddy.
he gave me his number.
today, i called.
he wants to come over in a little while.
this should take my mind off things.
text replies are slow from my current thing.
he seems interested in coming over tonight.
we'll see what happens....
i touch base with boyfriend #2 from last year.
he seems glad to hear from me.
says he needs to come see my new place.
i say he should.
this should keep me busy for awhile.
3:19
knock on my door.
my heart races.
i peek out the window.
i can't see anyone.
oh shit.
what if it's my ex?
maybe i really pissed him off this time.
he only shows up uninvited when he's really angry.
i throw on my favorite pink victoria's secret robe.
i head for the door.
i can't breathe.
i'm shaking.
i crack the door and look out.
damn.
i forgot olivia's new bedroom furniture was being delievered today.
i throw on clothes and let them complete their delivery.
my heart races.
i peek out the window.
i can't see anyone.
oh shit.
what if it's my ex?
maybe i really pissed him off this time.
he only shows up uninvited when he's really angry.
i throw on my favorite pink victoria's secret robe.
i head for the door.
i can't breathe.
i'm shaking.
i crack the door and look out.
damn.
i forgot olivia's new bedroom furniture was being delievered today.
i throw on clothes and let them complete their delivery.
2:55
i send a msg back to the guy on facebook.
the one who confessed his crush on me.
i need an ego boost.
wonder if he's single these days.
the one who confessed his crush on me.
i need an ego boost.
wonder if he's single these days.
2:46
fresh out the shower.
downloading music.
i need to get ready and go to the store.
it's sonic happy hour time.
coke.
*pouts*
maybe I'm not so happy about being single after all.
the past few days has done a number on me.
i have to quit talking to him.
we've been breakin up since march for christ's sake.
i just wanna meet someone i really like who will take my mind of him.
downloading music.
i need to get ready and go to the store.
it's sonic happy hour time.
coke.
*pouts*
maybe I'm not so happy about being single after all.
the past few days has done a number on me.
i have to quit talking to him.
we've been breakin up since march for christ's sake.
i just wanna meet someone i really like who will take my mind of him.
2:08
I need an immediate change of mood.
i text my current thing.
he hits me right back.
*deep breath*
i'm gonna try to lock in plans for tonight.
hopefully he won't have plans already.
i need to make a cornerstore run.
i need to relax.
i text my current thing.
he hits me right back.
*deep breath*
i'm gonna try to lock in plans for tonight.
hopefully he won't have plans already.
i need to make a cornerstore run.
i need to relax.
1:59
i'm a psycho.
*sighs*
looking at a picture he sent a few weeks ago
looked @ the message details.
he sent it to another number too.
i spoof called it.
from his number.
She answered.
madness ensues
*sighs*
looking at a picture he sent a few weeks ago
looked @ the message details.
he sent it to another number too.
i spoof called it.
from his number.
She answered.
madness ensues
8:44
the reality that i got a text from army guy last night hits me.
morning means i can no longer pretend to be asleep.
i have to face this situation...
but i think i can escape it until after lunch.
unless he texts again...
morning means i can no longer pretend to be asleep.
i have to face this situation...
but i think i can escape it until after lunch.
unless he texts again...
8:37
my bills are paid.
my running around is done.
i have no obligations for the rest of the day.
it feels good.
i think i may go back to bed.
i've pacified Olivia with cartoons,
and a plate of eggs, ham and toast.
glass of milk.
my bed is calling me.
i love to be able to crawl back in bed.
i'll be going back to work before i know it.
i should cherish this moment.
curl up under the covers
and resume my texting from last night.
my running around is done.
i have no obligations for the rest of the day.
it feels good.
i think i may go back to bed.
i've pacified Olivia with cartoons,
and a plate of eggs, ham and toast.
glass of milk.
my bed is calling me.
i love to be able to crawl back in bed.
i'll be going back to work before i know it.
i should cherish this moment.
curl up under the covers
and resume my texting from last night.
1:59
i'm retreating to my room.
seeking sleep.
it tries to elude me.
soft covers. down pillows.
i take advantage of stretching out.
but stretching out doesn't feel as good as cuddling up.
12:51
a text. not from my twitter friend.
from the army guy.
you know, mr. will you have my baby?
at first i'm surprised.
i haven't talked to him much since i said no.
it just says "hey".
i think i'm going to play asleep.
it's late.
and i want to continue my current texting.
12:43
i text back and forth with the guy i talk to most on twitter at this current second. he makes me smile. and don't y'all be judgin me about textin with my twitter friends. you know you do it too. i love my twitter people. they know more about me than most people in real life. except now, those of you pseudo-voyeurs reading my blog.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
12:04
reruns & twitter chatter. i need to find the remote.
cold sweet tea and my lips and tongue taste grape.
i search for my lighter, to bring inspiration.
i find my flame.
clouds of smoke
i can't sleep.
i'm not ready for the day to be over.
i'm waiting.
i want something exciting to happen.
i won't sleep until it does
i miss late night phone calls with #anon
10:41
online msg from a guy i dated two years ago. it simply read, "pussy please". this guy has got to be kidding me. if i didn't give it to him two years ago, what makes him think he can get it now?? then he follows with a msg to check him out in the pic on his page where he has eight thousand in cash in his hand. what's he trying to imply? that he'll pay for it?? there isn't enough money in the world. *rolls eyes & deletes him from page*
9:45
i halfway broke rule #2... and by halfway, i mean... i at least didn't think of him. still. i think i'll text the other guy to take my mind off things.
3:39
my thumb runs across the cool metal. it hisses and light flickers. deep breath in. deep breath out. smoke flows from my soul and i tilt my head back, eyes wide shut.
i text my current thing, and a few other random guys. replies bounce back. there is life out there. i need to be a part of it. something is telling me to get my ass out of the house. it's cold, but i wanna ride... listen to music. i need to make a cd. i need a fountain coke.
caffeine is calling. hot tea is not cutting it. that's what i'm telling myself. i know the real reason i wanna leave the house... i wanna hear music and nothing else. me. the road. new mixtape.
i text my current thing, and a few other random guys. replies bounce back. there is life out there. i need to be a part of it. something is telling me to get my ass out of the house. it's cold, but i wanna ride... listen to music. i need to make a cd. i need a fountain coke.
caffeine is calling. hot tea is not cutting it. that's what i'm telling myself. i know the real reason i wanna leave the house... i wanna hear music and nothing else. me. the road. new mixtape.
11:03
i shower and try to clear my head. i breath in the hot, wet steam of my shower, close my eyes and let the pulsing streams fall on my skin. my shower smells like peppermint shampoo and my head is dizzy with the thoughts i'm trying to drown. for a second my thoughts drift to memories of yesterday when he was here... the way he smelled, the way his skin felt, the way my body quaked and shivered.... wait. this is what i'm not supposed to be thinking about. i'm supposed to be over him. i haven't slept with him in two months. i was doing so good. now, i'm a mess. i swallow hard and wipe my face. i can't let this happen again. i can't get wrapped up in it. i'm addicted to him, and even one small dose, one deep inhale of his scent, one stroke from his fingers on my bare skin, one soft touch of his lips on my.... *snaps out of it*. i have to give myself rules. i must think about something else. anything else.
Rule #1 No listening to slow music. Slow music led to this melt down.
Rule #2 I will not touch myself while replaying the whole ordeal in my head, over and over. this proved difficult yesterday.
Rule #3 I will force myself to throw the curtains open, turn the lights on all over the house and avoid a dark, depressing environment.
Rule #4 I will NOT call him.
I step out of the shower and the cold air slaps me in the face... every drop of water left on my body feels like ice on my skin. a cold shock back into reality. i grab my towel and dry off. my day starts over now.
Rule #1 No listening to slow music. Slow music led to this melt down.
Rule #2 I will not touch myself while replaying the whole ordeal in my head, over and over. this proved difficult yesterday.
Rule #3 I will force myself to throw the curtains open, turn the lights on all over the house and avoid a dark, depressing environment.
Rule #4 I will NOT call him.
I step out of the shower and the cold air slaps me in the face... every drop of water left on my body feels like ice on my skin. a cold shock back into reality. i grab my towel and dry off. my day starts over now.
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