Monday, December 14, 2009

10:06

*My phone shivers and glows*


I'm lazy and nonchalant
about picking it up.
It's a text.
Probably from Army guy.
I check it.


My heart stops.
I read it again.
I almost wanna cry.
Happy Tears.
Tears of all of the
frustration
anger
and
heartache
that I've been thru.


It's the text I've waited three years on.


What does it say?
Surprisingly it says:


"Got really busy, I know I said
I was gonna come over tonight,
but I'm not going to make it.
I love you and I'm sorry."



It's THE EX.
And I don't care that he isn't coming.
I didn't expect him to...
but, I'm floored.
Instead of standing me up,
he actually sent a text...
and said he couldn't make it.
Y'all don't understand.
This is a break through.
This is all I've been wanting
for three years...
is for him to just pick up the phone
to just send a text
to just let me know
when his plans change,
when he's running late,
when he isn't going to be able to make it.
I've begged.
I've cried.
I've screamed.
I've nagged.
and finally,
FINALLY.
He shows consideration.
He thinks of me.
He's apologetic.
He's up front.
He's honest.


Obviously,
I realize that a man
that deserves me,
who is worthy of having me
love him the way I loved
THE EX,
wouldn't have to be asked even once to
do these things...
He wouldn't break plans.
He'd answer his phone.
He'd call if he was running late...
but it's just nice...
that maybe, he finally gets it.
Even if it's way too late.

9:08

Army guy.
*angry sigh*


He texts:
"So guess you don't like me anymore"
I don't respond.


He calls.
I hit ignore.


What happened to:
"not bothering me ever again"?
Full of shit.
Believing that
I could ignore him and he'd go away
was wishful thinking.
This is going to require more thought.
For now,
I'm gonna keep ignoring him
a little while longer....
and hopefully,
he'll give it up.

Soundtrack to Last Night

7:26

When it comes to staying away from THE EX,
I'm a failure. =(


I don't even know how it happened.
I went from going to take a nap,
by myself
to
being captive in his arms for almost
24 hours.


It was amazing.
It was like old times.
The problem with that...
is that I'm three years older now.
I don't have time for
the things we used to do...
I'm too old to live my life that way.


Sometimes, it's just amazing..
to be with someone who knows you inside out.
where you can completely be yourself.
where no effort is required...
when you can just lay there...
and every breath you take,
is perfectly in sync.
where every move is perfectly orchestrated,
like a dance you've done a million times before...
when you reach for something before he ever asks for it
when you finish each other's sentences.
when making love has no awkward moments,
your bodies just melt into each other
and you know every inch, and exactly what to expect
and it's everything you dream of...
until the next morning.
when reality hits
and sober thoughts take over...
and you remember that it just can't be...
that on paper, it just doesn't work...
and so you hold each other tight one more time...
and go your separate ways again...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

4:16

People irritate the fuck outta me.
boone calls and asks
if it would be okay if he came over
and hung out in
about an hour.
Two hours later,
no word from him.
I call.
He doesn't answer.
What the fuck?
I don't even like this guy.
How do you get stood up by someone
who INVITED THEMSELVES over to your house?
I really couldn't give two shits
about seeing him.


The point is,
I'm a person of my word.
If I say I'm coming,
I am. I do.
AND I'm on time.
AND if I so happen to be running late,
I PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE AND
I CALL AND TELL THEM THAT!


I make my plans around
what I've agreed to do.
Someone else running late throws
MY ENTIRE DAY off schedule.
Dinner time.
Olivia's nap.
Bath time.
All out of whack if
I have to adjust my plans for a
selfish, inconsiderate piece of shit.


Grrrr.
He calls right back.
Says something came up
and that it'd be another hour.
I tell him I have plans
in an hour and that the plans we
made were for over an hour ago.
We'll have to do it another time.


*looks down*


I don't have plans.
I'm not going anywhere,
but I'll be damned
if he's gonna think
that I'm just available
and sitting here at his disposal.
Fuck his entire existence.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

What I'm Listening to Today

Immeasurable Distance Between Us

Someone shared this with me yesterday. It touched me. So often we feel like nobody understands what we're going through, and then we get proven wrong. I just felt like it was necessary for me to share this with all of you.


Once I could say
The immeasurable distance between is the only space that separates us
But now that space does separate us
A place you found to fill with all sorts of neurosis
Now displaces the immeasurable space meant for us
Until the space became an impassable divide


Then I began to wonder while you wandered
What tomorrow would bring
But not knowing the future
Or what is on your mind
Served to widen this space between us
Creating a crevice
Which became a divide too deep and too wide to fathom


While one disappeared
Each failed to realize
What is missing?


Till two people who were trying to make a life together are no more
The time spent building is no longer salvageable
All because each did not hold the key to close the divide
For how can you reach someone?
When they are too far away for your hands to touch
Or for your voice to reach


Now the person with whom you invested your life to build a life
Is no longer to be found
Shout all you want!
No one can hear you
Because the divide is too much for sound to travel


Till moment by moment
The impassible space that separates has become the foundation for a wasteland
Where all traces of humanity have been erased


As the transition moves
From out of touch to out of reach
What does the horizon hold?


We wait the answer
Counting the moments
Till time fades into the future


As we move forward in separate directions with separate lives
All we can do is watch as the immeasurable distance between us
Has become a distance too great to travel
Back to the other


Robert Neff


Please take the time to visit his site, and enjoy his writing and his art.
http://bit.ly/7SaPan
Thanks so much for allowing me to share this.
Follow him on Twitter @5wa

1:16

*phone rings*


It's the guy with the wrong number.
Again.
Says he wants to take me to lunch.
Weird.


I mean, we know several people in common.
It's not like he's a complete stranger.
I can't see agreeing to lunch
with someone I've never even met though.
I'm not a fan of blind dates.


I get a beep and tell him I'll call him back.
I'm off the phone now,
and just staring at my phone.
Do I call him back?
Do I take a risk and do this?
*sighs*
I don't think so.
I'm gonna wait and see if he calls back
if I don't call him back.

Friday, December 11, 2009

8:32

What a difference a few days make.
Still wondering how you kick everyone out of your life,
and three days later they are all back full force.
Men don't take no for an answer very well.


I got flowers from 5xs,
and I might be a fool,
but I think I believe him.
I think THE EX just started a lot of mess.
I think he's jealous of what we have going on.
The more I think,
the more the things THE EX says,
just don't add up.


5xs and I have been having a lot of fun.
Staying up all night talking.
He makes me laugh and I miss that.
he drops everything when I give him
the opportunity to be here.
Things are moving slow with us,
but I think that's best for right now.


Army guy has lost his mind.
I told him not to come over.
I told him I didn't want to see him.
and yet,
He gets in his car and heads this way anyway?!?!
I told him to turn around and not to come.
He didn't like that very much.
Told me he needed to be with me,
That he really wanted to see me.
I still said no.
He said he'd never bother me again.


Fast Forward Two Days


I come home to a two page letter on my front door.
All about how he loves me,
and can't see himself with anyone else.
How he wants me to have his baby
and wants to get married.
I can't do anything but ignore him.
His not taking no for an answer,
is starting to worry me.
We'll see how this plays out.


I had a fun day with Mr. Gin.
Lunch at Wasabi
and a little shopping.
He bought me the cutest boots!
An early Christmas present.
I do like being spoiled,
but the chemistry isn't there...
and I've been honest about this with him.
That there isn't any possibility
of me wanting to be physical with him.
He says that it's fine,
that he just enjoys my company.
*shrugs*
I enjoy his too,
as long as he REALLY isn't expecting more
and doesn't try to flip the script on me later.


Phone call:
Him: Hey. What's up?
Me: Not much, just getting Olivia to bed.
Him: We should hang out soon.
Me: Sure. Whenever.
Him: I'm outside right now.
o_O
Well, come in.... I guess.
Yeah, you guessed it.
The same guy who wants to know
which window is my bedroom window.
I know I make him sound really creepy...
and he is, kinda.
He's a nice enough guy though.
I honestly don't feel in danger.
I just feel like I may need to be more
vocal about not seeing him like that.
He seems to think that we're on track
to start talking on a level that's
not just platonic.
Soooo not the case.


I've spent a lot of time with Olivia's Dad.
Things are good.
He continues to test his boundaries with me,
but we're in the process of developing boundaries.
I've remained firm.
We're becoming really good friends.
We talk about everything.
It's amazing how good of friends you can
become when you take sex off the table.
He's one of my best friends...
and that is going to be a phenomenal thing,
for Olivia.
And when it's all said and done
SHE is what my life is really about.


THE EX remains cut out.
I've taken to forwarding all his attempts
at contact to his new girl.
I broke up with him for a reason.
It's sad to see him do wrong by yet
another girl.
but it reminds me of why I'm done with him.
I know that he loved me as much as he is capable
of loving someone.
He tattooed my name on his arm for Christ's sake,
and he has yet to get it covered up.
I know he isn't over me,
but I have to do my part to STAY being over him.
After today, I don't intend on forwarding anymore texts
to his girl.
I just hope he'll leave me alone.
I thought maybe that doing that would
be a deterrent.
I guess jeopardizing his new relationship isn't
a concern for him.
What more can I do than just ignore him now?


The old, old ex has called and called.
He changed his myspace status to something salty,
directed at me....
He has a girl,
and I don't care how much he misses me,
I don't want to be a part of that mess.
I ran into him yesterday,
leaving from my BD's.
Things were awkward,
I expected him to be more
confrontational.
I escaped without being scolded
for not answering my phone...
or so I thought.
He called from a different number today.
Tricked into talking to him.
Lame.
He interrogated me about not answering my phone.
I just told him I wasn't interested in
keeping in contact and that I had to go.
Hopefully, he'll just drop it.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

10:40

I've been quiet.
There isn't much to report.
I pretty much cut
everyone out.


None of them were right.
I'm starting from scratch.
Beginning to think
that nobody shares my interests
that nobody wants to be in love
that nobody will ever
meet my expectations
or make me smile
or compliment me


I need a change of scenery.
I don't think this is the place for me.
My family would throw a fit if I left.
Mostly because of Olivia...
*sighs*


I wanna scream.
punch something.
I feel stir crazy.
The cold weather isn't helping.
I need to get out of the damn house.
do something.


Dating as a single mother is
virtually impossible.
I think the complexity comes in
because I've never been one of those
mothers who could just drop her kid off
and go out to the bar.
or anywhere for that matter...
What if she wakes up?
and wants me?
and I'm not there?
I'm miserable when I go out...
thinking about her at home.
but the feeling of being a prisoner
in my own home from
8pm to 8am while she sleeps
is suffocating me.
Going out is a catch 22.


apparently, the ways
I've been meeting men aren't working.
I don't know where else to look.
I guess they say as soon as you
stop looking it comes to you.
I'm impatient.
I'm ready for the next phase of my life.
I just want a partner to do it with.
I'm ready to get started NOW.
I suppose I could do it on my own.
I've got the house.
I've got the kid.
I've got the cars.
I just want to build a life together...
with someone....
and I'm tired of waiting on him.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

11:03

my ex attempted to make plans again today
the minute i thought he wasn't gonna show,
i canceled.


i still feel stood up.


we argued on the phone
ended up laughing.
i know i'll see him again
soon.
i just don't know
how soon.


text argument with 5xs
over the things that were said
he denies it all.
he calls and begs for me to talk to him
he texts and says
please pick up
talk to me babe

i stop responding.


texts from army guy.
he's getting on my nerves.
i'm pushing him away
because...
there's just too much pressure.
i don't want a baby.
i don't want a baby.
i don't want a baby.

how many times do i need to say it?


sweet late night texts
from facebook guy.
i know, i thought it was gonna be over.
it should be.
he's taken.
same ole, same ole.


"we fight all the time.
we're never happy.
i don't want to be
the bad guy and have
her friends and family hate me"

to be continued....


new guy.
he's a triplet.
o_O
this could get confusing.
did i mention 5xs is a twin?
do i have a thing for multiples?
=/

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

4:38

hung out.
with THE EX.
good times.
no sex.
i don't feel like
as much of a mess this time.


apparently 5xs
has been running his mouth.
in the same circles that
THE EX runs in.


i dare him to text me.
how immature.
you'd really think
that we'd be past that shit.
at this age.
apparently not.
that's cool.
he's been cut off
and that,
my dear,
is more than enough punishment.
trust me.


dear 5xs,
what will you brag about now?
if it was so good...
maybe you shoulda kept your mouth shut.
now mine is.


baby daddy called.
asked me to pay his water bill.
i hung up on him.
bitch, please.

Monday, November 30, 2009

8:49

Late night call from
my baby daddy.
wants me to come pick him up.
at 11:00pm.
Ummmmm,
HELLO!
our daughter is in bed.
AND it's COLD.
absolutely not.


Early morning text from
THE EX.
He wants to hang out today.
What's with him lately?
He must be fussing with his new girl.
I try to pin him down to a certain time.
He stops responding.


oh....wait.
he's calling.


says he's gonna drop
something off.
handle some business,
and be on his way.
here.
*sighs*
Well,
I know one thing for sure.
He ain't gettin' no ass.

6:00

Texts back and forth.
with THE EX.
Says i agreed to go to a concert with him.
out of town.
that i should "keep my word".
I won't be guilted into this.
How lame.
I tell him to take his new girl.
He says it wouldn't be right without me.
he'd rather just not go.
I say,
Then don't.
no more texts.


5xs texts.
asks me something random.
i text back.
i'm short.
i called things off.
why is he still texting?
men always want what they can't have.
he texts again.


"whats up mami? tell me something good"


i don't reply.

11:14

oops.
facebook guy.


i almost forgot.
I gave him the
"we're in different places
we want different things,
let's just be friends"


It's all true.
I suppose,
it could've sounded like this:


"you're young.
I'm grown,
but I like you...
maybe for my little sister..
who still has time for the games"
*shrugs*
nice guy...
maybe if i'm still single in 5 years.

10:58

we'll play catch-up.
briefly.


I've spent a lot of time with
my baby daddy.
watching movies.
playng football with Olivia.
cooking.
cuddling.
spending the night.
no sex.


sometimes,
I guess...
it's just nice to play house...
and wish things could have worked.
They didn't.
They still don't.


I told 5xs things are over.
He just isn't doing it for me.
Some say I like to rush into things.
I say I know what I want.
and what I don't.
I like a man who is
ready to make a decision.
ready to act on impulse.
dives in head first.
knows what he wants.
5xs is none of these things...
or maybe...
he's just not that into me.


i've ignored calls an texts from
boone
and
the old-old thing.
cut short.
Like I said,
i know what I DON"T want.


Army guy got back in town last night.
He wanted to come over.
I told him no.
I know he wants to have the baby talk again.
I don't want a baby.
How many times do I have to say this??
The pressure to kick him to the curb
is mounting.


My Ex called:
"How good is your memory"
Me:
"damn good"
Him:
"Meet me at our spot at one o'clock"
*click*


*sighs*
I won't be going.
A. I didn't know we had a spot.
I wouldn't even know where to go.
B. So, he just assumes I'm free and will jump to it?
No thanks.
C. I can't see him and let him make a mess of me like last time.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

6:59

i'm awake.
barely.
i didn't sleep well.
i was expecting a call,
so i had to leave my phone on.
the old-old thing called,
a million times.
i pretended to be asleep.
it woke me up.
every. single. time.
after awhile,
it made me furious.
i have a hatred towards him now.
i'm really angry.
don't fuck with my sleep.
i think he's on permanent ignore.
*yawns*
i wish i could go back to bed.
i have things to do.

Monday, November 23, 2009

9:58

oh shit.
i talked him up.
the old-old thing just called.
i WILL not become his thing on the side.
his girl goes to work at 9pm.
he pretty much called as soon
as she left.
I can't do it.
*hits ignore*

9:41

been busy. ;)
hung out with my old-old thing.


"oh, that was your man?
i thought i recognized him"
oops.


i don't want it to happen again.
as soon as he left,
i told myself i was cutting it off.


an hour later...
he text.


"can't stop thinking about you
it was so good to see you
can't wait to see each other again"



i didn't respond.


text from 5xs.
"hey beautiful stranger.
you must be mad at me."

I reply
"Why would I be mad?"
He says
"I haven't heard from you in three days"
guess he was counting.
I reply
"well then you must be mad too,
cuz i ain't heard from you either"

*silence*


My Twitter boo makes me smile.
A lot.
shhh... it's a secret.


a few texts back and forth with facebook guy.
about serious things.
how he feels about marriage.
and kids.
and the future.
now, that's potential.
*sighs*
i still don't know his situation.


random text from boyfriend #2
apparently he wants to


"eat my pussy with a spork" =/


a call from boone.
i dismiss it.
o_O


after a brief conversation last night,
i was inspired to hit up another old thing,
"Big O"
via facebook.
i *might* be making plans to go to Chicago...
once football season is over ;)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

9:09

i've been m.i.a. today.
my bad.


i hung out with boone.
briefly.
he scares me.
he asked which window was my bedroom window o_O
i'm gonna try and shake him.
i've got to come up with a plan.


facebook guy and i are making plans.
perhaps,
for another movie tonight.
i'm excited.
i won't let myself get too excited.
yet.
we need to have a conversation.
about his situation.
tonight is the night.
he text and said he should have kissed me.
*smiles*


brief texts with
5xs and army guy.
i think 5xs is about to get cut off.
for real.
i'm beyond annoyed.

11:34

blur.
my eyes gain focus on the wall.
*yawns*
damn.
my eyes get wide.
laying on my side,
i slowly glance back over my shoulder.
sure enough.
i look back at the wall,
and then back over.


army guy.
i wasn't drunk.
how did this happen?
i was drunk off loneliness?


facebook guy didn't come.
it got late.
i told him nevermind.
he text:


"that's cool. it's late.
i'd prolly end up wanting to
stay with u and kissing u wouldn't help it.
lol"



????
i hate texts like this.
i don't know what he wants.
for me to say come stay the night?
and that i want him to kiss me?
i'm not agreeing to that.
i send back:


"it's hard to say if that is
a good or a bad thing
considering i don't know your situation"



He says he can't wait to see me again
and explain.


army guy and i say good morning.
it feels good to cuddle.
i could like him.
i really could.
i don't want another baby though.
not now.
i'm lost in my thoughts
when he says
"do you go to church?"


fuck.
a conversation about religion?
at seven in the morning?
i'm not up for this.
i've noticed his facebook statuses have been Jesus-y lately.
i don't want to work through my religion issues
with a protestant on my back.
this won't work.
I say:


"yes"
i lied.
about church.
i'm going to hell.
i'm not opposed to church.
let me be clear.
i'm Catholic....
and i have my own issues with it.
I'm sorting through them.
i don't want charismatic influence.
especially not at seven in the morning.


we say our goodbyes.
he leaves.


call from my old-old thing.
the one who lives by my baby daddy.
the one with a girl and two kids.
we make plans.
to watch the Saints game.


boone texts.
asks if i want to chill for a minute.
i tell him i'm having company in a bout thirty.
he says he'll come chill for a sec.
that's the definition of
get in where you fit in.
this dude wants a thirty minute time slot.
smfh.

1:25

movie is over.
he's gone home.
a little bit of conversation.
i didn't ask about his situation.
he didn't cross any boundaries,
or try anything.
thankfully.


text from 5xs.
says he wants to come stay the night.
i think i'm gonna go to bed and ignore it.


no word from boone.
no word from the ex.

Friday, November 20, 2009

10:25

he's on his way.
*holds breath*
i'm nervous.
like we haven't met before.
true, in a way..
i'm not the person i was four years ago.
at all.
he doesn't know this person.
and, frankly...
i've never taken the time to get to know him.


i remember how i used to blow him off & stand him up.
back before i'd been hurt.
before i knew what it felt like.
how sad.
he liked me.
and i treated him like shit.
i wonder why he'd even given me a chance again?
*shakes head*
ok.
i need to get ready.

8:04

black
and
mild
my head spins.
i close my eyes.
prepare myself.
to give someone else a chance.

7:22

in the process of making plans.
with facebook guy.
i think we're gonna watch a movie.


at my house.


suppose now would be a good time to find my DVD player
and hook it up.

6:41

mr.gin texts.
says he's out & about.
what's up?


he would not be my first choice.
maybe i'll hang out with him..
if he agrees not to drink this time.

6:26

guy from facebook hits me back.
says his current status is complicated
am i the only one who thinks this status should just say,
we fight all the damn time.
break-up and get back together.


he asks for my number.
i give it to him.
i'll hear him out on the complications.
*sighs*

6:08

another text from 5xs.
this time, i respond.
*waits*


phone call from boone.
asks what i'm doing.
i attempt to sound busy.
he takes the bait,
but says he'll call back later.

4:28

i'm bored.
i scroll thru my phone.
my mind doesn't see names.


i don't even think that's his number anymore.
he's at work.
he lives far away.
i've ignored too many of his calls to call him now.
he's always bull shittin.
he's friends with my ex.
he just wants sex.
we don't get down like that.
i'm still waiting on him to call me back.
i WILL NOT call him.
my ex.
my bd.
my friend's man.
i'm not THAT desperate yet.


despite my calls yesterday
there is nobody in my phone i wanna hang out with.
i'm not comfortable with anyone
like i am with my ex.
god.
this is fucking hard.
i need something to do.
i wish my girls weren't so damn busy.

4:06

boone calls.
i answer.
he wants to come hang out.
i say yes.
reluctantly.


still ignoring the text from current guy.
he needs a better name.
oh.
i forgot we were calling him 5xs.
originally.
5xs it is.
regardless, i'm still ignoring his text.


text from a guy friend.
i think i'd rather hang with him.


damn,
this is why you don't talk to a guy
who can see your front door from his backyard.
lame.

2:43

he text me.
tellin me i'm crazy,
but he loves me anyway.


fuck him.


i forward it to his new girl.
she doesn't wanna believe it.
we argue.
i cut it short.
i call him.
tell him not to text,
or else i'll forward it to her.


boone calls.
i don't answer.
not feelin it.


it's raining.
and cold.
isn't it funny,
how the weather always seems to mock your mood?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

12:06

out of the shower.
indian style on my bed.
fan on high.
keeping myself warm with the hair dryer.
for the same reason that
i drive with the heat on and the windows down in the winter.


i spent over an hour on the phone with boyfriend #2
he gives good advice.
he's a mess himself though.


text from army guy.
just another what's up.
this has been going on for days.
this conversation is going nowhere.


current thing didn't come last night.
text me good morning.
i'm ignoring it.


about to make a trip to the grocery store.
ride.
listen to music.
coke.
the usual.

10:20

phone call from the current thing.
he's "probably" coming over.
i should tell him fuck him and his probably.
but... i want the company.
i won't be a super bitch...
this time.

10:01

ugly texts back and forth between me and his girl.
she started it. *points like a five year old*
i'm irritated.
i'm viscious.
i'm hateful.
and slightly tacky.


towards the end of the textin,
it hits me.
he's not my problem anymore.
thank her for reminding me of all that i went through.
of how much pain he caused me.
of how many girls called my phone.
or messaged me on myspace.
or some other bullshit.


it hurts, to know he has someone new.
but it's closure.
and i can walk away this time.
he's not my man.
and there's no reason to be jealous...
cuz he just fucked me. ;)

9:05

Ughh.
i've been busy.
i hung out with my ex from two years ago.
crazy mike.
i call him that, cuz, well... he was crazy.
and an alcoholic.
he seemed good.
he's super cute.
i like his family.
he's from new orleans.
he has a girl.
they have kids.
two.
=/


we can still be friends.
right?
i tell myself this.
i know he wants more.


i hung out with the guy from the next street.
boone.
what kind of a name is boone?
i don't like him.
he bores me.
he would never, ever be able to make me laugh.
i'm sure of this.
next!


still waiting on current thing to confirm plans.
he's irritating me.
grrr.

4:08

i'm playing with fire.
i've stirred up old flames.
i've created new ones.


there's a guy who lives the next street over.
we've been avoiding getting to know each other.
i know he sees me, he knows i see him.
this game has been going on for months.
i've had my eye on him.
on the way to sonic, i chunked him the deuce.
on the way back, he flagged me down.
he asked for my number.
i gave him my number.
he goes by boone.
i think he lives with his girl.
he says no.


i call an ex from way back.
i bumped into him a few weeks ago.
he lives by my baby daddy.
he gave me his number.
today, i called.
he wants to come over in a little while.
this should take my mind off things.


text replies are slow from my current thing.
he seems interested in coming over tonight.
we'll see what happens....


i touch base with boyfriend #2 from last year.
he seems glad to hear from me.
says he needs to come see my new place.
i say he should.


this should keep me busy for awhile.

3:19

knock on my door.
my heart races.
i peek out the window.
i can't see anyone.


oh shit.
what if it's my ex?
maybe i really pissed him off this time.
he only shows up uninvited when he's really angry.


i throw on my favorite pink victoria's secret robe.
i head for the door.
i can't breathe.
i'm shaking.


i crack the door and look out.


damn.


i forgot olivia's new bedroom furniture was being delievered today.
i throw on clothes and let them complete their delivery.

2:55

i send a msg back to the guy on facebook.
the one who confessed his crush on me.
i need an ego boost.
wonder if he's single these days.

2:52

fuck it.
maybe i'll just have a baby by army guy.
i text him back.
What's up?

2:46

fresh out the shower.
downloading music.
i need to get ready and go to the store.
it's sonic happy hour time.
coke.


*pouts*


maybe I'm not so happy about being single after all.
the past few days has done a number on me.
i have to quit talking to him.
we've been breakin up since march for christ's sake.
i just wanna meet someone i really like who will take my mind of him.

2:08

I need an immediate change of mood.
i text my current thing.
he hits me right back.
*deep breath*
i'm gonna try to lock in plans for tonight.
hopefully he won't have plans already.
i need to make a cornerstore run.
i need to relax.

1:59

i'm a psycho.
*sighs*
looking at a picture he sent a few weeks ago
looked @ the message details.
he sent it to another number too.
i spoof called it.
from his number.
She answered.

madness ensues

8:44

the reality that i got a text from army guy last night hits me.
morning means i can no longer pretend to be asleep.
i have to face this situation...
but i think i can escape it until after lunch.
unless he texts again...

8:37

my bills are paid.
my running around is done.
i have no obligations for the rest of the day.
it feels good.
i think i may go back to bed.
i've pacified Olivia with cartoons,
and a plate of eggs, ham and toast.
glass of milk.
my bed is calling me.
i love to be able to crawl back in bed.
i'll be going back to work before i know it.
i should cherish this moment.
curl up under the covers
and resume my texting from last night.

1:59

i'm retreating to my room.
seeking sleep.
it tries to elude me.
soft covers. down pillows.
i take advantage of stretching out.
but stretching out doesn't feel as good as cuddling up.

1:31

we make distant, ambiguous plans
for a weekend rendezvous.
that we both know will never come.

12:51

a text. not from my twitter friend.
from the army guy.
you know, mr. will you have my baby?
at first i'm surprised.
i haven't talked to him much since i said no.
it just says "hey".
i think i'm going to play asleep.
it's late.
and i want to continue my current texting.

12:43

i text back and forth with the guy i talk to most on twitter at this current second. he makes me smile. and don't y'all be judgin me about textin with my twitter friends. you know you do it too. i love my twitter people. they know more about me than most people in real life. except now, those of you pseudo-voyeurs reading my blog.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

12:04

reruns & twitter chatter. i need to find the remote.
cold sweet tea and my lips and tongue taste grape.
i search for my lighter, to bring inspiration.
i find my flame.

clouds of smoke

i can't sleep.
i'm not ready for the day to be over.
i'm waiting.
i want something exciting to happen.
i won't sleep until it does
i miss late night phone calls with #anon

11:51

#randomthought

him getting off while i'm on top makes me feel like i've won.

10:41

online msg from a guy i dated two years ago. it simply read, "pussy please". this guy has got to be kidding me. if i didn't give it to him two years ago, what makes him think he can get it now?? then he follows with a msg to check him out in the pic on his page where he has eight thousand in cash in his hand. what's he trying to imply? that he'll pay for it?? there isn't enough money in the world. *rolls eyes & deletes him from page*

9:45

i halfway broke rule #2... and by halfway, i mean... i at least didn't think of him. still. i think i'll text the other guy to take my mind off things.

6:07









i tried to look at you when you were talking to me, but i kept seeing right through you.

4:02







playlist made.





3:39

my thumb runs across the cool metal. it hisses and light flickers. deep breath in. deep breath out. smoke flows from my soul and i tilt my head back, eyes wide shut.


i text my current thing, and a few other random guys. replies bounce back. there is life out there. i need to be a part of it. something is telling me to get my ass out of the house. it's cold, but i wanna ride... listen to music. i need to make a cd. i need a fountain coke.


caffeine is calling. hot tea is not cutting it. that's what i'm telling myself. i know the real reason i wanna leave the house... i wanna hear music and nothing else. me. the road. new mixtape.

11:03

i shower and try to clear my head. i breath in the hot, wet steam of my shower, close my eyes and let the pulsing streams fall on my skin. my shower smells like peppermint shampoo and my head is dizzy with the thoughts i'm trying to drown. for a second my thoughts drift to memories of yesterday when he was here... the way he smelled, the way his skin felt, the way my body quaked and shivered.... wait. this is what i'm not supposed to be thinking about. i'm supposed to be over him. i haven't slept with him in two months. i was doing so good. now, i'm a mess. i swallow hard and wipe my face. i can't let this happen again. i can't get wrapped up in it. i'm addicted to him, and even one small dose, one deep inhale of his scent, one stroke from his fingers on my bare skin, one soft touch of his lips on my.... *snaps out of it*. i have to give myself rules. i must think about something else. anything else.




Rule #1 No listening to slow music. Slow music led to this melt down.


Rule #2 I will not touch myself while replaying the whole ordeal in my head, over and over. this proved difficult yesterday.


Rule #3 I will force myself to throw the curtains open, turn the lights on all over the house and avoid a dark, depressing environment.


Rule #4 I will NOT call him.




I step out of the shower and the cold air slaps me in the face... every drop of water left on my body feels like ice on my skin. a cold shock back into reality. i grab my towel and dry off. my day starts over now.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Clarity





The property of being clear or transparent.




Clarity refers to one's ability to clearly visualize an object or concept.




The Zen concept of 'no mind', or other terms denoting general clear and unperplexed cognition.

Anyone who speaks to me regularly knows that I've been on a hiatus, of sorts. Thankfully, my hiatus has been more of a journey... a coming to terms with things and people in my life.

I needed a break. I needed the time to focus on me and to get back to who I am... and to also redefine who I am. It has been years since I've felt like myself. To be exact, it has been four years since Hurricane Katrina and four years since I've felt like myself.

2005 was a hell of a year. Within three months I lost my little sister, my first home and everything I owned in Katrina, a relationship of five years.... and the most important person in my life, my Dad.

When you lose so much at one time, and so many things that are such a big part of you..... the feeling of lost doesn't even begin to cover it. I had no idea who I was without my career, my home, my family, the love of my life and the town that held all my memories.

In this time of trouble, I made a bad decision. I chose to avoid getting to know me. In fact, I've put it off for four years. Instead, I chose to throw myself head-first into worrying about what everyone else needed. I invested all of my energy in other people. Mainly the father of my child and my most recent ex. I allowed myself to be abused, used and let them control me to the point that it was impossible to be myself on any level.

I also had Olivia. She's the biggest blessing in my life, but as any mother knows... having a child completely redefines who you are on so many levels.

Needless to say... All of these things only added to the the cloudiness and muddled mess that became my mind. I've kept myself above water.... mentally, emotionally and physically.... but its been a long time since I've thrived.

Anyway... It finally hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally got to a point where I knew that something had to change. There were things that I needed to make peace with, there were things I needed to let go, and things that I need to discover.

I forgot where I came from and what makes me whole. I put so much energy into some areas of my life and completely neglected so many others. I was off balance.... bad.

So, I took a deep breath, breathed a huge sigh of relief, felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders, weeded out the people who I was allowing to hold me back, partnered with the friends that make me stronger and who can help me remember who I am... and for the first time in a long time.... I saw things for what they really are.... with complete clarity.

I'm back to being me.








Thursday, July 23, 2009

Love ~ Worship ~ Don't Leave Home Without

1. Laptop





2. Mignon Faget Jewelry





3. My David Yurman Ring





4. My Cell. Of course.






5. Tortoise Shell Bangle Bracelet.






6. NARS blush in color Deep Throat.




7. Dolce and Gabbana Sunglasses. (J'adore Dior too!)





8. My Burberry Bag. I just can't leave it alone.





9. OPI Nail Polish (smokin' in havana)






10. The Body Shop - Neroli Jasmine Spray





11. Carol's Daughter Ecstasy Body Butter





12. Month at a Glance Calendar. I'd be lost without it.






13. Barrettes (Juicy couture barrette fanatic)






14. Urban Decay - Midnight Cowgirl Eyeshadow





15. Super Volume Mascara. I look asleep without it.





16. Abercrombie 8 Perfume. (I know, I need to let it go)





17. MAC Lip Glass. The end all.






















Thursday, July 16, 2009

Ten Things I Love About Summer



1. The World Smells Like Coconut.




2. Sno - Cones




3. Fireworks




4. Convertibles




5. NFL Training Camp --- Football is right around the corner.




6. Frozen Drinks




7. Flip Flops




8. Swimming ... pool or the beach, it doesn't matter.




9. Sunglasses




10. Grilling.












Monday, July 6, 2009

10 Beds I Wanna "Sleep" In



brings a whole new meaning to wet sheets, doesn't it??


Oh, c'mon now! Everyone has to try the sleezy heart shaped bed once!


I'm not sure the Rotating bed wouldn't make me sea sick, but I'm willing to try!


I know I couldn't handle sleeping on the actual sand, but I think I could handle this.




I know... but something kinda naughty about a girly/princess/silky/canopy bed =)



BUT FIRST .. I need to know how sturdy that chandelier is.... jussayin.



I'm betting this is a lot easier on the knees than the regular bath/shower thing.



It's just cool.


Fit for a king... and his queen ;)


It's the interior designer in me.... I love this headboard and I wonder what building those windows face???

10 Red Flags for Cheaters



"Come home late. It seems you barely beat the sun. Tappin' my shoulder, thinking you gon' get you some. Smellin' like some fragrance that I don't even wear. If you want some lovin', I suggest you go back there."





1. Strange Cell Phone Habits

Is his phone locked all of a sudden? Are there a million numbers with names you've never heard of?? (Slim, Moonbeam, VW, or the ever popular "unnamed") Does he take all his phone calls outside or to the other room?? Or just plain put it on silent?? Leave it in the car to charge all night cuz he "lost his house charger again"?? cheater.






2. Gossip.


I know, men are cringing right now. I'm not by any means saying listen to all gossip.... there are plenty of haters and cock-blockers out there. We all know this.... but when your five best girlfriends all saw him with the same bitch at the mall, out to dinner and at the club. Listen. Please don't fall for the much used "she's just a friend, it was my sister, your friends are hating and just wanna fuck me" That Ciara "So what" philosophy only goes so far.





3. Repetitive Date.


Aww... how sweet.. He took you to your favorite restaurant... AGAIN. Cuz it's "your spot"?? Maybe... or maybe its because he doesn't wanna chance running into someone else. If he steers clear of a certain side of town or won't go to certain places for no good reason... you can bet she or her friends work or live near there.







4. Unusual Shower Habits


Lucky you, your man always smells zestfully fresh. LMAO. If he comes home and jumps right in the shower, raise your eyebrow girlfriend. Unless he's coming from the gym, this behavior isn't normal. I mean, yeah.. a guys gotta shower... but if he showered right before he left and just "feels like his nuts are sweaty" after playing PS3 with his boys... go ahead and slap him now. You have my permission.





5. Odd Items

You've never seen those panties before. He swears they're yours. You aren't crazy, he's full of it. This also goes for random earrings and tubes of lipgloss.







6. New (additional) Grooming Habits


Aside from scrubbing himself raw... If he's taken a sudden interest in wearing new cologne, buying new boxers, or dressing differently... you have reason for suspicion.








7. MIA

He went to the gas station for a cigar and he's been gone for two hours?? In your car???... AND he can't answer his phone?? Man, fuck that dude. I hate that dude. He can die. Let's make a deal with God that he can give Michael Jackson back and take that asshole instead. SMFH. (this also goes for Mr. "I'm on my way".. and shows up four hours later.





8. Lipstick on the Collar.

It's a classic. No explanation needed.







9. Cell Phone Records and Credit Card Bills.

CLARIFICATION: Unless they are in BOTH of your names... you don't TECHNICALLY have a right to look at these and ALL arguments will be nullified by your lack of respect for his privacy ... (the same could be said for his actual cell phone)

BUT... if you just so happen to see it.... cuz he left it on his desk... Muthafucka, that shit was fair game....








10. Guy Time


He's suddenly with his friends all the time. And what more? Apparently you've been together for three years and "don't know these guys".... It's probably because they don't exist... and if you have been together for three years and haven't met his friends... rest assured, you are NOT the only one.














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