I don't live my life for you.
I don't write my blog for you.
If I wanted or cared for your opinions,
I'd read your blog....
or maybe at least your tweets...
hell, maybe I'd even read and respond
to the tweets you send directly to me...
but, alas, I don't.
But the fact of the matter is that YOU
followed ME on Twitter...
you read MY blog..
You even went so far as to find me on
facebook and make me a part of your
life there too.
The question is why?
Why, with all the negative things you
have to say about me...
do you continue to be so intrigued by me?
It's because those negative things you say...
That's what we around here like to call
HATING.
I'm the girl you WISH you could be.
So, hang out... continue to read..
and this time, take notes.
I'm not saying that I'm better than you.
Although, I can spell simple words...
which you seem to have an issue with...
What I'm saying is,
I'm the type of girl you love to hate.
I'm all the things you wish you could be...
and it drives you crazy.
You watch my style, you mock my behavior,
you study my grammar and my relationships..
and when you realize you can't be me...
you sit, alone, in your shitty apartment
with your unkempt children and all your anger
towards men and look for someone to blame.
You chose to blame me.
You say I'm conceited.
It's the confidence you wish you could have.
You say I'm a whore.
While longing for my level of comfort with sexuality.
You say I'm condescending.
But it's really your intellectual insecurity.
You say I'm online too much.
You're angry because your dead end job and
three children don't afford you the time.
You say I'm ugly.
I focus on the things I find beautiful about myself.
You say I have two sides, and I'm fronting.
My ability to be multi-faceted is something I pride myself on.
You say I act black.
Or is it that I'm embraced by people who shun you?
The truth is you find yourself struggling.
You're unhappy and refuse
to take a long, hard look at yourself.
You're searching for other people to blame.
You concern yourself with what I'm doing
instead of taking personal responsibility
for you and your children.
You blame women like me for not being able to find
a good man.
The way you conduct yourself, and that alone,
determines how much respect you will receive.
The men you date don't know me and I don't shape
how they treat you.
you wanna make this a global problem..
throwing out things like
"You make a bad name for white women
everywhere"
Pull your head out of your ass.
People get disrespected in relationships every single day.
Regardless of color..
Regardless of gender...
Regardless of status...
The problem is in YOUR mentality.
It rarely crosses my mind that my relationship
is interracial.
A man, is a man, is a man.
Maybe if you weren't so busy drawing color lines
and blaming racial differences, you'd get to the root
of the issues.
YOU aren't being respected
based on YOUR actions.
YOU made critical errors in
shaping YOUR life. YOU are
the reason YOU don't have the
life YOU want.
Now, I suggest you go back and re-read my blogs.
Please note:
1. I have TWO college degrees
2. I have ONE child, by ONE man
3. I own my own home, at 28, by myself.
4. I own TWO vehicles, both paid for.
5. I don't have perfect relationships, but before you call me a whore...
ask yourself if you're mad that you don't have options.... recognize that out of the men I write about... 1 is the father of my child, 1 is my ex-fiancee who I was with for almost three years, 1 is the guy I'm currently seeing, and the others I don't even sleep with. Hardly makes me a whore, does it?
6. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm proud of the way I live my life and the choices that I make. I put everything out there... so it doesn't make me angry when you discuss it... it makes me angry when you don't read carefully enough and you misinterpret. Your confusion comes in where you are filling in the blanks in a life that you know nothing about.
You might read my blog, but bitch... YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, December 14, 2009
10:06
*My phone shivers and glows*
I'm lazy and nonchalant
about picking it up.
It's a text.
Probably from Army guy.
I check it.
My heart stops.
I read it again.
I almost wanna cry.
Happy Tears.
Tears of all of the
frustration
anger
and
heartache
that I've been thru.
It's the text I've waited three years on.
What does it say?
Surprisingly it says:
"Got really busy, I know I said
I was gonna come over tonight,
but I'm not going to make it.
I love you and I'm sorry."
It's THE EX.
And I don't care that he isn't coming.
I didn't expect him to...
but, I'm floored.
Instead of standing me up,
he actually sent a text...
and said he couldn't make it.
Y'all don't understand.
This is a break through.
This is all I've been wanting
for three years...
is for him to just pick up the phone
to just send a text
to just let me know
when his plans change,
when he's running late,
when he isn't going to be able to make it.
I've begged.
I've cried.
I've screamed.
I've nagged.
and finally,
FINALLY.
He shows consideration.
He thinks of me.
He's apologetic.
He's up front.
He's honest.
Obviously,
I realize that a man
that deserves me,
who is worthy of having me
love him the way I loved
THE EX,
wouldn't have to be asked even once to
do these things...
He wouldn't break plans.
He'd answer his phone.
He'd call if he was running late...
but it's just nice...
that maybe, he finally gets it.
Even if it's way too late.
I'm lazy and nonchalant
about picking it up.
It's a text.
Probably from Army guy.
I check it.
My heart stops.
I read it again.
I almost wanna cry.
Happy Tears.
Tears of all of the
frustration
anger
and
heartache
that I've been thru.
It's the text I've waited three years on.
What does it say?
Surprisingly it says:
"Got really busy, I know I said
I was gonna come over tonight,
but I'm not going to make it.
I love you and I'm sorry."
It's THE EX.
And I don't care that he isn't coming.
I didn't expect him to...
but, I'm floored.
Instead of standing me up,
he actually sent a text...
and said he couldn't make it.
Y'all don't understand.
This is a break through.
This is all I've been wanting
for three years...
is for him to just pick up the phone
to just send a text
to just let me know
when his plans change,
when he's running late,
when he isn't going to be able to make it.
I've begged.
I've cried.
I've screamed.
I've nagged.
and finally,
FINALLY.
He shows consideration.
He thinks of me.
He's apologetic.
He's up front.
He's honest.
Obviously,
I realize that a man
that deserves me,
who is worthy of having me
love him the way I loved
THE EX,
wouldn't have to be asked even once to
do these things...
He wouldn't break plans.
He'd answer his phone.
He'd call if he was running late...
but it's just nice...
that maybe, he finally gets it.
Even if it's way too late.
9:08
Army guy.
*angry sigh*
He texts:
"So guess you don't like me anymore"
I don't respond.
He calls.
I hit ignore.
What happened to:
"not bothering me ever again"?
Full of shit.
Believing that
I could ignore him and he'd go away
was wishful thinking.
This is going to require more thought.
For now,
I'm gonna keep ignoring him
a little while longer....
and hopefully,
he'll give it up.
*angry sigh*
He texts:
"So guess you don't like me anymore"
I don't respond.
He calls.
I hit ignore.
What happened to:
"not bothering me ever again"?
Full of shit.
Believing that
I could ignore him and he'd go away
was wishful thinking.
This is going to require more thought.
For now,
I'm gonna keep ignoring him
a little while longer....
and hopefully,
he'll give it up.
7:26
When it comes to staying away from THE EX,
I'm a failure. =(
I don't even know how it happened.
I went from going to take a nap,
by myself
to
being captive in his arms for almost
24 hours.
It was amazing.
It was like old times.
The problem with that...
is that I'm three years older now.
I don't have time for
the things we used to do...
I'm too old to live my life that way.
Sometimes, it's just amazing..
to be with someone who knows you inside out.
where you can completely be yourself.
where no effort is required...
when you can just lay there...
and every breath you take,
is perfectly in sync.
where every move is perfectly orchestrated,
like a dance you've done a million times before...
when you reach for something before he ever asks for it
when you finish each other's sentences.
when making love has no awkward moments,
your bodies just melt into each other
and you know every inch, and exactly what to expect
and it's everything you dream of...
until the next morning.
when reality hits
and sober thoughts take over...
and you remember that it just can't be...
that on paper, it just doesn't work...
and so you hold each other tight one more time...
and go your separate ways again...
I'm a failure. =(
I don't even know how it happened.
I went from going to take a nap,
by myself
to
being captive in his arms for almost
24 hours.
It was amazing.
It was like old times.
The problem with that...
is that I'm three years older now.
I don't have time for
the things we used to do...
I'm too old to live my life that way.
Sometimes, it's just amazing..
to be with someone who knows you inside out.
where you can completely be yourself.
where no effort is required...
when you can just lay there...
and every breath you take,
is perfectly in sync.
where every move is perfectly orchestrated,
like a dance you've done a million times before...
when you reach for something before he ever asks for it
when you finish each other's sentences.
when making love has no awkward moments,
your bodies just melt into each other
and you know every inch, and exactly what to expect
and it's everything you dream of...
until the next morning.
when reality hits
and sober thoughts take over...
and you remember that it just can't be...
that on paper, it just doesn't work...
and so you hold each other tight one more time...
and go your separate ways again...
Sunday, December 13, 2009
4:16
People irritate the fuck outta me.
boone calls and asks
if it would be okay if he came over
and hung out in
about an hour.
Two hours later,
no word from him.
I call.
He doesn't answer.
What the fuck?
I don't even like this guy.
How do you get stood up by someone
who INVITED THEMSELVES over to your house?
I really couldn't give two shits
about seeing him.
The point is,
I'm a person of my word.
If I say I'm coming,
I am. I do.
AND I'm on time.
AND if I so happen to be running late,
I PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE AND
I CALL AND TELL THEM THAT!
I make my plans around
what I've agreed to do.
Someone else running late throws
MY ENTIRE DAY off schedule.
Dinner time.
Olivia's nap.
Bath time.
All out of whack if
I have to adjust my plans for a
selfish, inconsiderate piece of shit.
Grrrr.
He calls right back.
Says something came up
and that it'd be another hour.
I tell him I have plans
in an hour and that the plans we
made were for over an hour ago.
We'll have to do it another time.
*looks down*
I don't have plans.
I'm not going anywhere,
but I'll be damned
if he's gonna think
that I'm just available
and sitting here at his disposal.
Fuck his entire existence.
boone calls and asks
if it would be okay if he came over
and hung out in
about an hour.
Two hours later,
no word from him.
I call.
He doesn't answer.
What the fuck?
I don't even like this guy.
How do you get stood up by someone
who INVITED THEMSELVES over to your house?
I really couldn't give two shits
about seeing him.
The point is,
I'm a person of my word.
If I say I'm coming,
I am. I do.
AND I'm on time.
AND if I so happen to be running late,
I PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE AND
I CALL AND TELL THEM THAT!
I make my plans around
what I've agreed to do.
Someone else running late throws
MY ENTIRE DAY off schedule.
Dinner time.
Olivia's nap.
Bath time.
All out of whack if
I have to adjust my plans for a
selfish, inconsiderate piece of shit.
Grrrr.
He calls right back.
Says something came up
and that it'd be another hour.
I tell him I have plans
in an hour and that the plans we
made were for over an hour ago.
We'll have to do it another time.
*looks down*
I don't have plans.
I'm not going anywhere,
but I'll be damned
if he's gonna think
that I'm just available
and sitting here at his disposal.
Fuck his entire existence.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
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