10:40

I've been quiet.
There isn't much to report.
I pretty much cut
everyone out.


None of them were right.
I'm starting from scratch.
Beginning to think
that nobody shares my interests
that nobody wants to be in love
that nobody will ever
meet my expectations
or make me smile
or compliment me


I need a change of scenery.
I don't think this is the place for me.
My family would throw a fit if I left.
Mostly because of Olivia...
*sighs*


I wanna scream.
punch something.
I feel stir crazy.
The cold weather isn't helping.
I need to get out of the damn house.
do something.


Dating as a single mother is
virtually impossible.
I think the complexity comes in
because I've never been one of those
mothers who could just drop her kid off
and go out to the bar.
or anywhere for that matter...
What if she wakes up?
and wants me?
and I'm not there?
I'm miserable when I go out...
thinking about her at home.
but the feeling of being a prisoner
in my own home from
8pm to 8am while she sleeps
is suffocating me.
Going out is a catch 22.


apparently, the ways
I've been meeting men aren't working.
I don't know where else to look.
I guess they say as soon as you
stop looking it comes to you.
I'm impatient.
I'm ready for the next phase of my life.
I just want a partner to do it with.
I'm ready to get started NOW.
I suppose I could do it on my own.
I've got the house.
I've got the kid.
I've got the cars.
I just want to build a life together...
with someone....
and I'm tired of waiting on him.

11:03

my ex attempted to make plans again today
the minute i thought he wasn't gonna show,
i canceled.


i still feel stood up.


we argued on the phone
ended up laughing.
i know i'll see him again
soon.
i just don't know
how soon.


text argument with 5xs
over the things that were said
he denies it all.
he calls and begs for me to talk to him
he texts and says
please pick up
talk to me babe
i stop responding.


texts from army guy.
he's getting on my nerves.
i'm pushing him away
because...
there's just too much pressure.
i don't want a baby.
i don't want a baby.
i don't want a baby.
how many times do i need to say it?


sweet late night texts
from facebook guy.
i know, i thought it was gonna be over.
it should be.
he's taken.
same ole, same ole.


"we fight all the time.
we're never happy.
i don't want to be
the bad guy and have
her friends and family hate me"
to be continued....


new guy.
he's a triplet.
o_O
this could get confusing.
did i mention 5xs is a twin?
do i have a thing for multiples?
=/

4:38

hung out.
with THE EX.
good times.
no sex.
i don't feel like
as much of a mess this time.


apparently 5xs
has been running his mouth.
in the same circles that
THE EX runs in.


i dare him to text me.
how immature.
you'd really think
that we'd be past that shit.
at this age.
apparently not.
that's cool.
he's been cut off
and that,
my dear,
is more than enough punishment.
trust me.


dear 5xs,
what will you brag about now?
if it was so good...
maybe you shoulda kept your mouth shut.
now mine is.


baby daddy called.
asked me to pay his water bill.
i hung up on him.
bitch, please.

8:49

Late night call from
my baby daddy.
wants me to come pick him up.
at 11:00pm.
Ummmmm,
HELLO!
our daughter is in bed.
AND it's COLD.
absolutely not.


Early morning text from
THE EX.
He wants to hang out today.
What's with him lately?
He must be fussing with his new girl.
I try to pin him down to a certain time.
He stops responding.


oh....wait.
he's calling.


says he's gonna drop
something off.
handle some business,
and be on his way.
here.
*sighs*
Well,
I know one thing for sure.
He ain't gettin' no ass.

6:00

Texts back and forth.
with THE EX.
Says i agreed to go to a concert with him.
out of town.
that i should "keep my word".
I won't be guilted into this.
How lame.
I tell him to take his new girl.
He says it wouldn't be right without me.
he'd rather just not go.
I say,
Then don't.
no more texts.


5xs texts.
asks me something random.
i text back.
i'm short.
i called things off.
why is he still texting?
men always want what they can't have.
he texts again.


"whats up mami? tell me something good"


i don't reply.

11:14

oops.
facebook guy.


i almost forgot.
I gave him the
"we're in different places
we want different things,
let's just be friends"


It's all true.
I suppose,
it could've sounded like this:


"you're young.
I'm grown,
but I like you...
maybe for my little sister..
who still has time for the games"
*shrugs*
nice guy...
maybe if i'm still single in 5 years.

10:58

we'll play catch-up.
briefly.


I've spent a lot of time with
my baby daddy.
watching movies.
playng football with Olivia.
cooking.
cuddling.
spending the night.
no sex.


sometimes,
I guess...
it's just nice to play house...
and wish things could have worked.
They didn't.
They still don't.


I told 5xs things are over.
He just isn't doing it for me.
Some say I like to rush into things.
I say I know what I want.
and what I don't.
I like a man who is
ready to make a decision.
ready to act on impulse.
dives in head first.
knows what he wants.
5xs is none of these things...
or maybe...
he's just not that into me.


i've ignored calls an texts from
boone
and
the old-old thing.
cut short.
Like I said,
i know what I DON"T want.


Army guy got back in town last night.
He wanted to come over.
I told him no.
I know he wants to have the baby talk again.
I don't want a baby.
How many times do I have to say this??
The pressure to kick him to the curb
is mounting.


My Ex called:
"How good is your memory"
Me:
"damn good"
Him:
"Meet me at our spot at one o'clock"
*click*


*sighs*
I won't be going.
A. I didn't know we had a spot.
I wouldn't even know where to go.
B. So, he just assumes I'm free and will jump to it?
No thanks.
C. I can't see him and let him make a mess of me like last time.